I wrote this months ago, trying to give words to what I was seeing happen to my son as he lived in active addiction. Praise God, he is still clean, a month out of rehab. I am thankful!
So many people
Their songs become the songs
of grave diggers.
for the death of a grandmother.
for father’s disapproval, one
for mother’s inability
to move forward
when the marriage failed.
One for the drugs he did last weekend, and now
He keeps digging
because he doesn’t recall
how not to dig.
His song is the song
of a Grave Digger:
the low baritone chant
of a gaunt and gray
And the rain begins to fall.
And the rain begins to fall.
One shovel of dirt for the timing
of the rain.
is a long way off.
But the grave:
always at the ready.
I came back from rehab family weekend excited to jump right in to Al-Anon. But I can see how easy it would be for me to dismiss it. I’m busy. You know how that goes. And I think I’m tempted to slip back into denial. “I don’t have a heroin addict in my house if no one in my house is using heroin.” This is the lie my brain wants to adopt. The temptation to roll with that theory is very strong. I better get my butt to a meeting before this week is done.
If you are out there reading this…if you are an Al-Anon person…did it take you awhile to get plugged in and add this to your schedule? I wish someone would call me and say “come on, we’re going!” Argh.
I know there are other mothers (and fathers) of addicts out there in Blog Land. One has reached out, and I am grateful. If you are looking for community, please join us here and also: www.peglud.wordpress.com. Thanks!
As a parent, when you first discover something like your teen using heroin, of course you look for the most immediate solution. The boys said, “Suboxone.” It’s what everyone is taking — a prescription drug that stops the heroin cravings. That was the first thing I knew about it. No more methadone clinics for modern addicts. That rang sweet in my ears, since I have memories of seeing the addicts heading to the methadone clinics in the city where I grew up. Not a pretty picture in my mind.
Early last Easter morning, after visiting the police station and both boys allowed to leave in my custody, we headed to the emergency room. That’s a story in itself; but for this conversation the relevant point is that the psych evaluators gave me a list of doctors who are licensed suboxone prescribers. So we went with it.
Suboxone seems to be a successful alternative for Allen. It did not work for Danny. He took a high level of Subo (I guess that’s the short name) — 16 milligrams a day (in comparison, Allen takes 6 milligrams a day total). Dan relapsed after two months. More recently, he told me that after taking that level of Suboxone, he had built up a tolerance for the heroin. This means that when he went back to heroin, he needed more of it.
What I’m saying is that now, I realize Suboxone is controversial. I’ve visited some online conversations of addicts in recovery and they are divided over whether it makes sense to use this substitute drug. Some like it and say it’s helped them. Some say no, don’t go there; full sobriety is the only way.
I don’t know the answer. But I’m up for hearing from others. What do you think?
One of the worst things for me about this whole heroin deal — right now — even while my kids are in a place of not using — is the constant suspicion. Do you ever get over it? Are there any other parents out there dealing with this who are in a place where you are not constantly suspicious? I sure hope that somewhere along the way, this state of mind will leave me. I really don’t like it. Do I ever get to trust my boys again?