Ever since Al was in the hospital, I have been a mess. I haven’t been sleeping well at all. I’m nervous. I cry easily. I pray and pray and still I fret about him. So I call him. “Are you okay?” “Are you going to meetings?” “Do you understand that if you’re using, you have so much to lose?” “Remember to pray and go to meetings, I’m worried about you!”
He says, “I know, Mom.” “I know, Mom.” “I am, Mom.”
It’s just today that I realized … It’s not Al’s responsibility to calm me down and help me sleep and make me feel better. And sure, maybe he is using. And we know he needs to be going to meetings. But what I just realized today is that I need to be going to meetings! I need some counseling. I am my own responsibility – not Al’s!
So I called him and told him that he’s not reponsible for my feelings. And he felt glad to hear it. This is sure a ride, isn’t it folks? I feel a little better already. Now to research government-supported counseling programs for me.
God bless you all!
Just to follow up on my last post – we have confirmation that Al OD’d. I believe it’s because he had not been using for almost five months; so when he did finally use, his body couldn’t handle it. It was his first payday since he started working. He got a hefty check (from his perspective), and he had worked 40 hours in three days, so he was overtired and stressed. There you have the ingredients for a slip. And yes, right now we’re all calling it a “slip.” One use after five months does not a relapse make. It all depends what happens from here.
Thanks for your support everyone! God bless!
I suppose 4AM is “this morning” (even though it still feels like night). Either way, here I am writing prayers. I received a call an hour ago from Mike – my Ex – that he received a call that Al is in the hospital – possible overdose. So much for my cell-phone-detachment bragging rights. We’ve had about four months of clean living in our family and I’m grateful for that. And we’ve done this drill before. Maybe I can approach it with some sense of serenity.
Anyway, over these months I’ve been writing Scripture-based prayers for all of my children, and in support of Al, I’m posting a couple of his here:
Psalm 42:5 “God, sometimes Al is discouraged. Sometimes he is sad. I pray that you guide him so that he puts his trust in you. So that he knows that you are his Savior and his God!”
Psalm 25:4-5 “Dear Lord, show Al the right path. Point out the right road for him to follow. Lead Al by your truth and teach him; for you are the God who saves him. All day long, may he put his trust in You.”
I join in prayer for all of you and your children. I’m going to try to go back to sleep, since right now, the best thing I can do is stay rested and well. May God’s peace be with you all.