A friend’s son committed suicide today. I heard about it through a facebook message from my mother. The lady is not a close friend; she is an acquaintance from childhood. But our boys are … were … the same age and when they were little, we stumble upon each other unexpectedly at a park in another state and we caught up while the boys played. We are friends on facebook and I sent her a note saying how very, very sorry I am.
Facebook and death – maybe it’s an appropriate thesis topic for some of the random dynamics we now have due to the proliferation of social media.
The point is, I got to thinking about how quickly people hear news – no matter how personal; so much more quickly than before. And then we respond. I thought out my response – really feel the message I sent was appropriate and that a fb message – in the context of this relationship – was also alright and would be sincerely accepted when the time comes that she checks in and reads it.
Then I got to thinking about how often we see posts: “R.I.P. [fill in the blank].” What empty words those would be to me if I was the mother of one who has passed. At least at first. They are resting – but the mother, right now? Rest? Peace? Really?
I don’t know. I’m not sure what point I’m making. I just got to thinking about my boys and how close I’ve been to losing both of them. And how close some of you out there are to this. I’m indulging in a little sadness.
Honestly, despite everything I’ve seen in life, I mostly consider life a joyful and blessed experience every day. But not all day, every day. So for this moment, my heartfelt tears extend to this friend and her family and any of you who have said goodbye to your child too soon. We will be reunited. But for now, a moment of grief for the loss.
Rest in Peace …
Posted in Grief
Tagged R.I.P, suicide
There are so many sayings about the past: “Put the past behind you.” “Don’t look behind you, you’re not going that way.” “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.”
The one that rings most true to me right now is a quip that I don’t see often on facebook posts or memes: “The past is never where you think you left it.” (Katherine Ann Porter) I may need to read some of her essays and stories – I think she’s hit the nail on the head.
One of the most frustrating things about this addiction/recovery process – about the road paved by drugs and their users – is that it’s a path not easily erased and left behind. Even when a person has “ceased to be a prisoner of the past” and “continued moving forward one step at a time,” the past can appear without warning, rearing its head and proving that it is harder to dismiss than we want to believe.
Yesterday, one of my boys was arrested. Apparently, he had attempted to sell something to someone a couple of years ago…
I won’t print the details (as little as I know) at this point, but it involves small-town police building a case over years in an attempt to get to the bigger dealers. I get that. I want those people stopped too. But it’s hard to watch this young man who has been working hard to support himself and his family, to stay clean and live right … to walk the right path … have the past come and spin him around, sneering, “Though you could leave me behind did you?”
We say, “Let bygones be bygones.” It’s harder than it seems.
One mom talking. Can’t sleep. Thanks for being here. Much love and God’s peace to you all.
FOLLOW UP NOTE: Yes, all will be well. The system, hopefully, will work in favor of (a) stopping the flow of drugs and (b) supporting my son as he continues to build his life and raise his family. That’s the best possible outcome; that’s what we hope and pray for!
Recently, I applied to a job opening as an Addiction Recovery Specialist. In South Carolina, there is a certification for this specialty – which I do not have yet. But I thought that my coaching certification combined with my personal experience might make me a good candidate for the job. I’m interested in helping people get healthy. I’m interested in educating the public about drugs and families and recovery. Where do you turn when all those efforts you made as a parent to avoid this experience slip through your fingers and here you are … wanting to wake from what feels like a nightmare?
I want to tell you there is HOPE! As long as there is breath, there is hope! For me, my first focus was the health of my child. And the next focus was education for me and my child. And amidst it all – a constant focus on God and faith.
Every now and then, I spend some time on Google looking for new information or resources. Recently, I came across a recovery center called, “Advanced Health and Education.” Well – isn’t that on target! Advanced Health and Education has a truly holistic approach to recovery which seems to be increasingly popular these days – for good reason. Most of us have learned that recovery is about more than just resisting cravings. It’s about rebuilding and redefining an entire healthy lifestyle for both the addict and the family.
In the west – states like Colorado, Kansas, Texas and Arizona – I have had excellent experiences with the Valley Hope treatment centers. They have gone above and beyond in providing service not only to their patients, but to families as well – on the personal side as well as making treatment financially viable.
Now that I live on the East Coast, I’m snooping into what’s available here. I have a friend who recently went to New Jersey for treatment. New Jersey drug and alcohol treatment centers abound, but I’m interested to know how many have the comprehensive type of program offered by Advanced Health and Education. If you are located in the NY/NJ area – a good resource for New Jersey addiction treatment centers can be found here: http://drugabuse.com/usa/drug-abuse/new-jersey/. For New York (and other states), look here: http://www.recovery.org/browse/new-york/.
I want to follow the lead of Advanced Health and Education by advocating their example of treating the whole person – I’d even say, the whole family. What should our next steps so that all treatment facilities – from California drug treatment centers to NJ drug treatment centers and everything in between, above and below, continually improve and provide excellent healing service to addicts and to us? How can we help? What can I do to make a difference?
Just a quick post today.
I used to think that if you made the “right decisions” – unselfish decisions, love-honoring decisions – that life would somehow reward you and things would proceed smoothly.
I don’t know that anymore. And that makes deciding harder for me. It seems like God should intervene because I honestly don’t know what comes next.
Thanks for listening … back to our regularly scheduled broadcast. Love & Hugs!
~One Mom Talking
In response to the recent death of Philip Seymour Hoffman, there’s been debate over whether addiction is selfish or, perhaps, guiltless. Today I came across a poem I wrote years ago with that title, “Guiltless.” I thought I’d post it. I’m not sure if it’s relevant, but I’ll share and let you decide.
On that night when my heart hurts —
when I can’t think of anything to say,
the world moves forward outside my window
where the mesa stands strong and the people look
content and carefree in my thoughtless and empty sight…
On that night the stars still shine
and the moon still sets its glow over the city
while I worry about the words I said to you.
I wish I was the leaf.
I wish I was the river.
I wish was a field of purple aster
or a dangling bat wrapped safe in the cape
of my own wings.
The fox and the cat wander the same midnight road.
They pounce. They screech.
One eats, lies down and sleeps
full and deep.
Photo credit webergallery.com “Horse Whisperer”
I wrote and posted, “The Emotion Whisperer,” on my other blog yesterday (Growing Your Beautiful Life). It is an important message for all of us who have children with addictions. During my first year or so of being a POA (Parent of Addict), my emotions clearly controlled me. In my own recovery, I have learned that, while my emotions are a part of me, they do not lead me and they do not define me.
On the advice of a new friend, I am expanding my life coach work to include a specialization for coaching parents of addicts. My life would be blessed if I can help you become “The Emotion Whisperer” in your own life – to forge a new path for yourselves and your families – to take the reigns, set boundaries and create a new road toward peaceful living again.
Please follow this link to read, “The Emotion Whisperer.” If you’d like more information on my coaching work, click the “Contact Me” tab, above, and you can send me a private note. Your communication comes my “onemomtalking” personal email address and will remain strictly confidential.
Much love and God’s peace to you all.