So here we are…December 26, 2009…one day past Christmas. The best I can do right now is one long deep sigh.
Christmas Eve was a good day until I started getting ready for church. Was it that my daughter refused to go to church on Christmas Eve, for the first time ever, saying she thought it would just make her angry? Was it that Dan, my oldest, in past years would have been the one to encourage the other two to join me whether they liked it or not, just because it would make me smile? Was it that Al, the 17 year old, left a movie early to join me, not only to make me smile but because he is beginning to understanding something about God and Faith?
For all of these reasons, and because I realized I didn’t have a Christmas outfit this year, I started crying as I got ready for church. And as I drove to church. And when me friend, Beverley, gave me a hug and said “how are you?” once I arrived at church.
Understand, I don’t have a problem crying in church; I’ve done it many times. But on Christmas Eve I was singing, on stage, in front of everyone. Not a good time for mascara down the cheeks.
Honestly? It was because Dan is in rehab and my deepest gut says that he’s still not quite ready to fight his addiction…a reaction that seems to be playing out as true. He has continually been texting his brother to bring suboxone to the rehab center for him. That would be illegal and against the center’s rules.
Tonight, I’m tired of being the mother of an addict. Tonight, just for this night, I don’t want to be that anymore. If you’re in my shoes, you know what I mean. Tomorrow I’ll get up and continue to pray for my son. But tonight … one long deep sigh.