One Mom, One Long Deep Sigh

So here we are…December 26, 2009…one day past Christmas.  The best I can do right now is one long deep sigh. 

Christmas Eve was a good day until I started getting ready for church.  Was it that my daughter refused to go to church on Christmas Eve, for the first time ever, saying she thought it would just make her angry?  Was it that Dan, my oldest, in past years would have been the one to encourage the other two to join me whether they liked it or not, just because it would make me smile?  Was it that Al, the 17 year old, left a movie early to join me, not only to make me smile but because he is beginning to understanding something about God and Faith?

For all of these reasons, and because I realized I didn’t have a Christmas outfit this year, I started crying as I got ready for church.  And as I drove to church.  And when me friend, Beverley, gave me a hug and said “how are you?” once I arrived at church. 

Understand, I don’t have a problem crying in church; I’ve done it many times.  But on Christmas Eve I was singing, on stage, in front of everyone.  Not a good time for mascara down the cheeks. 

Honestly?  It was because Dan is in rehab and my deepest gut says that he’s still not quite ready to fight his addiction…a reaction that seems to be playing out as true.  He has continually been texting his brother to bring suboxone to the rehab center for him.  That would be illegal and against the center’s rules.

Tonight, I’m tired of being the mother of an addict.  Tonight, just for this night, I don’t want to be that anymore.  If you’re in my shoes, you know what I mean.  Tomorrow I’ll get up and continue to pray for my son.  But tonight … one long deep sigh.

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7 responses to “One Mom, One Long Deep Sigh

  1. I’ve lived in your shoes and I know what you mean.

  2. Yes. I do know what you mean. My heart goes out to you.

  3. Oh do I also know how you feel!

  4. Helplessly hoping . . .

    Kay,
    I, too, can’t seem to remember a time when I wasn’t consumed by anxiety/fear regarding my addict daughter. And, I seem to swing between completely detaching (with not a lot of love), and obsessing. Tomorrow, I will go to my favorite AlAnon meeting. I need it. AND, my youngest son, Brian, who’s home for 2 weeks, may go with me. I also feel your fatigue, worry, exasperation as the parent of an addict – constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop – – – and the stakes just keep getting higher.

  5. I am feeling all of the above right now. Daughter is in day 9 of rehab after detoxing for 5 days at home under 24 hour watch because we could not get her into a program over new years. Does anyone ever feel whole again or have any good days. Sleep and eating and trying not to think about it just aren’t happening. Is it too soon for me? Please help. Also, do Dads get angry and Mom’s get sad, etc. or is it different in all families.

  6. Does the fatigue, worry etc. go away. I am only in day 9 of my daughters rehab but she detoxed at home for 5 days over the new years holiday as we could not get her into a program. How do you get through it? I am happy for just moments of not thinking about it, but they are rare. My husband however is just angry. Is that normal?

    • If you tend to yourself and your needs (alone and by creating a support network), then yes, the fatigue, worry, etc. will either go away or lessen. I find it comes and goes. I am nine months from when this all started and my life is much steadier than it was then. There will be more and more times when you don’t think about it. Someday, this will not be the center of your existence 🙂 At least not all the time. Glad you’re here!

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