Tonight I am having quiet time for the first time in a long time. A long bubble bath. Some quiet music. No TV or stereo. Played the piano. Meditated on a reading in “A Course in Miracles.” I am enjoying the silence.
I also spent some time on a website I want to recommend: www.gratefulness.org. It’s a nice, restful place to visit online.
Here’s a quote I read tonight that made me smile: “Creating is the opposite of loss.” (ACIM) Perhaps that’s part of what we parents-of-addicts are doing here. Taking creative action in opposition to our loss.
I wish you all a wonderful evening. I hope everyone out there can find something to be grateful for as this day draws to a close.
~One Mom Talking~
How many times will I need to learn these lessons? Do we ever remember them, or do we continue to slip away, climb back up, slip away…. ? I realize I’ve been at this a short time. It’s only been eight months since I first learned that my son even tried heroin. A shorter time since I first used the word “addict.” I’m already tired. How do you do this for years?
So here we are…December 26, 2009…one day past Christmas. The best I can do right now is one long deep sigh.
Christmas Eve was a good day until I started getting ready for church. Was it that my daughter refused to go to church on Christmas Eve, for the first time ever, saying she thought it would just make her angry? Was it that Dan, my oldest, in past years would have been the one to encourage the other two to join me whether they liked it or not, just because it would make me smile? Was it that Al, the 17 year old, left a movie early to join me, not only to make me smile but because he is beginning to understanding something about God and Faith?
For all of these reasons, and because I realized I didn’t have a Christmas outfit this year, I started crying as I got ready for church. And as I drove to church. And when me friend, Beverley, gave me a hug and said “how are you?” once I arrived at church.
Understand, I don’t have a problem crying in church; I’ve done it many times. But on Christmas Eve I was singing, on stage, in front of everyone. Not a good time for mascara down the cheeks.
Honestly? It was because Dan is in rehab and my deepest gut says that he’s still not quite ready to fight his addiction…a reaction that seems to be playing out as true. He has continually been texting his brother to bring suboxone to the rehab center for him. That would be illegal and against the center’s rules.
Tonight, I’m tired of being the mother of an addict. Tonight, just for this night, I don’t want to be that anymore. If you’re in my shoes, you know what I mean. Tomorrow I’ll get up and continue to pray for my son. But tonight … one long deep sigh.
Wow, I didn’t realize how long I’ve been away. Thanks to everyone who has visited here — for your support and for sharing your stories. I’m glad we have an online community to reach out to in times of trial.
As Christmas approaches, with the onset of a New Year right behind, I thought I’d give an update and a word of hope.
Dan is in jail for the second time. The court process has been encouraging though. We got a good prosecutor who seems to understand Dan’s plight. He has dropped all but one charge, and has recommended Dan for a diversion program. So, if Dan is able to comply with court orders and direction for however long (a couple of years I suppose), he will emerge with a clean record.
As for Dan’s point of view — he’s been in jail for a month. While there, some people have told him some not-so-pretty stories about prison life. He does not want to go to prison! That threat, and the possibility of a clean record, have (I think) given him much more motivation to recover than he had before. But what do we know about addicts? They are very good liars. so I’ll believe it when I see it. Still, I’m allowing myself a glimmer of hope.
Heck, it’s Christmastime! Dan gets out of jail on a new, lower bond on Tuesday — into residential rehab on Wednesday. Friday is Christmas and we will be thankful that he has another chance to put his life on a new track. I pray and pray and pray for him. And whenever I drive past the jail, I stop and pray some more. Sometimes it’s all a mother can do. But the Bible tells us that God honors a mother’s prayers (or so I’m told…I don’t know where that is in the Bible. Hm. I’ll let you know).
I am ready for a new year. I believe 2010 will be a year of healing — not just for my family, but for many, many families. That’s what I’m looking for. Healing stories of 2010. 🙂
God bless you all and have a wonderful, love-filled holiday season!