Monthly Archives: February 2011

Sunday Mornin’ Blues

I wrote lyrics once to a song called “Sunday Mornin’ Blues.”  Well, i’m feeling them today. 

Last summer, when I made the decision to move, one thing I left behind was my relationship with a man I really loved.  Actually, we were trying to keep it together.  He had family issues out west; I had family issues back east.  We’d take care of our families and then have time for each other again.

Well, yesterday – almost exactly two years after our first date – he TEXTED me to let me know that he’s dating other people, and he thought I should as well.  Ok.  I get that a long-distance relationship is difficult and maybe it was too much to expect we could keep it going.  But telling me BY TEXT??  We’re 50 years old – not 15!!  i don’t know if I’m more sad or angry. 

One more thing lost to the cause.  And know this – I still have hope and I’ll keep on going and I know that God has a bigger plan.  I’m just complaining and whining and saying it here because it feels good to get it out.  Thanks for listening!

Good Happens

On this beautiful, foggy, rainy Carolina morning, a friend’s post reminded me today that I really do believe in HOPE, and that good things happen with and without my help or involvement.  God does good things in people’s lives THROUGH me and DESPITE me!  Two of my early morning readings confirmed that as well.

  • On helping others, Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change” reminds me that God’s timing isn’t always my timing:  “There is no magic wand that makes others ready for Al-Anon [read: “recovery” or “help”].  And it is presumptuous to assume that I have a better idea of their true path than they do.  Let me help those who want help…”
  • On being used by God, in the Bible Study, “Living Your Life as a Beautiful Offering,” author Angela Thomas confirms that I don’t have to be perfect or special to be used by God.  She writes:  “Feeling kind of plain today?  Then you’re the kind of woman God’s looking for.  I am sitting on my bed, typing on my laptop. I have on gym shorts and a t-shirt. My three-day hair is in a ponytail, kind of…The dryer is buzzing. There are piles of laundry on the other side of the bed…My life is so very common, and yet, God can use a woman like me.”

All this to say that (1) we’re not in charge of other people’s lives BUT (2) we do have an effect on other people’s lives AND (3) we can be used by God just as we are!  So just for today I am putting down my worries, my expectations (for myself and others), and my self-doubts.  HOPE walks in unexpected ways and in unexpected places.

Thank you to A Mom’s Serious Blunder for sharing your walk and your honesty with me and all of us.  You help me by being here.  You all help me by being here.  God Bless!

Prayer for My Daughter

My daughter is missing her second day of school in a row because she can’t get out of bed in the morning.  Her depression and anxiety has worsened.  She wakes up crying.  She’s in her bed right now, wrapped up in a blanket, like a little bird in hiding.  I’ve contacted the counselor at her high school and the folks at our local mental health center.  Please keep her in your prayers.  Thanks very much.

To Tell the Truth

You know this story.  He lies.  He lies.  He lies.  Then, recovery!  He’s honest.  He’s honest.  He’s honest.  Then, relapse!  He lies. He lies…

My son, Al, visited recently and I was so happy.  He looks good.  He’s sleeping well and eating regularly.  He’s gained 20 lbs!  He was helpful and we had good conversation.  He helped me in the kitchen and taught his sister a new card game. 

Then I got a call from my ex.  “I went to change his bedding and found another balloon and syringe behind the bed.” 

The thing about this is — what’s true?  Al says that was left over from his last relapse.  This could very well be true.  No one had moved the bed since that time.  And when using, he certainly didn’t pay attention to where he put things, so it’s reasonable that he didn’t remember it was there until it was found.

And then there’s that tug in the pit of your stomach saying…”He might be lying.”  I hate how the lies that support addiction make it so very hard to believe the addict in recovery.  At the time when he can most use people to believe him … when he is really being honest … we just cannot help but doubt.

In his article, “Addiction, Lies and Relationship” (http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html), pscyhologist Floyd P. Garrett writes: 

The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.

This is one of the hardest things about addiction for me to handle.  There are a few things I purposefully taught my children when they were young, in an effort to give them tools for adulthood.  One of them was: “Be honest.  The truth will clear your path.”  I warned them of the danger of lies — that lying to others and lying to yourself is pretty much the same thing.  That an honest life is a worthy goal.  And then here comes addiction – stealing the truth to feed its own growth.

I pray often about this, asking God to defend the truth in my children.  But I still don’t know about Al.  I think he was being honest.  But only time will tell.

Journaling the Journey

When I was packing to move from Colorado to South Carolina last summer, I came upon a box filled with my journals.  There were diaries from my teen years, as well as journals from the years leading up to my divorce, and more recent writings as well.  Flipping through these glances into my own history, written in my own words, I was struck by the view of my own life journey — how much I had been through and how far I have come! 

Today, on this blog, I had a comment from someone who had read my whole story here – from the first post going forward.  So I decided to do the same.  I started this blog in September of 2009; almost a year and a half ago.  That’s not a very long time, but reading my words from those first few months, I feel like I’m peeking in on someone else’s life.  It feels like that was *so* long ago!  Things that were brand new to me then do feel like a somewhat normal part of my life now. 

Journaling the journey, as the parent of heroin addicts, has been helpful in the day to day walk.  I’m also pleased to be helped by reading back and seeing that I have, indeed, grown.  I have found some serenity (not 24-7, but fairly regular).  I know more than I ever wanted to know about addiction.  I have learned to love my boys despite my hate for their addiction.  I’ve learned that addiction is a disease – and a family disease at that.  I’ve learned about my own codependent behavior and taken steps to live a more healthy life.

Journal your journey – words like photographs reflecting your own growth.  A gift worth giving.