The Most Dangerous Word

  Image   “Why?”

     I think this is the most dangerous word.  It traps me in the past and keeps me from moving forward with action. It expresses my natural desire to make sense of life, but it’s insistence on an answer leaves me feeling inadequate and, often, sad. 

     Recently, I’ve met some people who have lost family members due to addiction. They ask this question and I don’t have an answer. I only have guesses. And I can’t even say “I know how you feel” because as close as I’ve come (very close) to this, I haven’t lived it. I only have guesses. And sometimes guesses just aren’t enough.

     “Why” is a trap … a temptation … perhaps even a hiding place. It hangs out with Anger and Blame way too often and doesn’t play fair.  “Why” is an Alpha Male with an ego that doesn’t take “no” for an answer.  

     Better questions to ask are: “What” (do I do now); “How” (will I move forward); “Who” (will I ask for support); “When” (will I take steps to help myself heal).  But there I go again, talking, like I know what I’m talking about.  It’s my theory.  My guess.  I wish I had a wand to wave and make it all better.  But all I have are guesses.

     God bless you all; and know you’re in my prayers every day.

The Tunnel and the Light

Image     Today I saw a commercial for a t.v. movie about a girl who searches for her addict sister on the streets of some city. It brought me right back to those days, now years ago, when I drove the streets of my city and neighborhood always wondering when and if I’d ever see my son again.  

     I’m far from those days now. But that commercial stirred my heart and got me thinking about you parents out there who are just starting this walk. Maybe you are wondering if your child is using drugs. Maybe you know it but can’t quite face it yet, or maybe you can’t help but face it because your child is gone … along with your money, your peace and the dreams you had for your family.

     I’m here to tell you I’ve been in that tunnel where all you can see is darkness for miles. And I’m here to tell you that there is another side to the tunnel where there is light again. Things on that other side don’t look the same as they did when you entered. You will grieve many losses. But you will have the light of blessings again – if you allow yourself to experience them…if you seek connection with others…and if you enter your own recovery.

     Yes, you will need to recover from addiction even though you’re not the one taking the drugs. So I encourage you – enter your recovery. Let people help you. As a first step, join us here on the blogs. We’ve been there – we still are walking it.  Just a note to let you know. God bless.

It’s All About Perspective

PerspectiveOne reason it is helpful to see a counselor or work with a coach or pair up with an accountability partner at church is that we often get locked into one way of seeing things and we don’t even realize there are other choices.  One example is how we often see limitations where they don’t exist – because we look at life with a limited, earthly perspective rather than an eternal, spiritual perspective.

We always have the choice to see things differently, and often that frees us up to take action in a situation where we feel stuck, or to extend forgiveness where we might have been holding onto anger.  But it’s easier to maintain our faith and our perspective if we have other people in our lives to help.

No need to walk alone or live in frustration. God’s view offers renewal and hope. It’s all about perspective.

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Home.

Home.

God goes with me wherever I go;
My home is wherever I am.
Amen.

Lucky ’13

Actually, “luck” is not something I believe in, but when hooked with 13, it makes a good catchphrase. I’m excited about this year. I feel a new energy and am ready to move forward in life.

Are you open to seeing possibilities wherever you go?

Are you open to seeing possibilities wherever you go?

For me, 2012 was a year of deep healing. I’m calling ’13 “The Year of Infinite Possibilities!”  That might seem far off to some of you, especially if you’ve come here during a time when your addict is active or your discovery of addiction in your family is new. But I promise you that healing is available to you and yours.

I’ve signed up for a Christian Life Coaching Certificate program. I’m very excited about this…an effort on my part to grow who I am with a goal of helping others as well.

A blessing for you all as we enter a new year together:  May God bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May He lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. Amen.

Like Wind Through My Window

Image“The Power of Now” (Tolle) has spurred me to begin regular meditation sessions here at
home. He says to get quiet and feel the inside of your body. That intrigued me and I tried it and I find that it works to quiet my mind. I cannot sustain inner dialogue or ponder mistakes from the past or  create “what-if” scenarios if I am breathing in and breathing out and focusing on what’s inside my skin. May sound strange, but it works.

Today I stayed home from work because if illness. My chest is scratchy and my sinuses hurt and my whole body feels exhausted. Tomorrow I’m supposed to drive from South Carolina to Florida to see my dad for Christmas. So this morning I was grumpy and concerned that my illness might prevent this trip.  And so, in response to both the illness and the grumpies, I decided to turn off the tv, close the laptop, and meditate. Here’s what happened:

Round One: I sat cross-legged on my bed, breathing in and out, reciting a bit of a prayer/mantra, and getting quiet. I became aware of the stuffiness of the air in my house. I haven’t had windows open in weeks and I was filled with a desire for a fresh, clean breeze. I opened my eyes and got off the bed and opened the bedroom window, plus a couple of others around the house.

Round Two:  I resumed my position, this time facing the open window. I resumed my breathing and began to focus on the sound of the wind through the trees. I am one with the wind. The wind and the trees and I have the same creator. Slow breath in through the nose. Slow breath out through the mouth. Hear the leaves brush against each other and the passing cars… CRASH!! 

Apparently the window wasn’t inserted properly into its frame. The wind blew the window in (the bottom section – the glass and it’s surrounding frame). The wind blew the window in, it fell onto the nightstand, knocking down the lamp. The lamp fell down and off the table onto the floor, hitting the nearby ironing board as it fell, knocking the iron onto the floor as well.

So much for my quiet time. But It did make me aware of the need to fix the window.

As I put everything back where it belonged, believe it or not I became aware of how the wind through the window was a metaphor for life. Yes it was. Sometimes everything just gets knocked over. Sometimes something that we think will be peaceful creates a ruckus. So we pick up the pieces, look for life lessons to learn, and move on.

I am now reading Marianne Williamson’s new book “The Law of Divine Compensation.” She says that the Universe corrects us when we get off course. Sometimes, I think, it does that by knocking a few things over and showing us a new plan. (Fix the window, put the ironing board away…).

God is like wind through my window. Refreshing and beautiful, with an occasional surprise. May the peace that passes our understanding sustain you in your travels. God bless.

Peace and Now

You are nowYou’ve heard of “peace and quiet.”  I suggest we change the phrase to “peace and now.”  Now is quiet – maybe not outside of us, but internally…spiritually.  At the core of who we truly are, now is silent and cannot be altered.

Sounds too easy?  It is and it’s not.  I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now,” and I’m in a  section toward the back of the book titled, “Give Up the Relationship with Yourself.”  What? Isn’t our recovery about RECOVERING our own relationship with ourselves. It’s the same thing. Just roll with it for a minute and I’ll do my best to explain.

It’s this idea: “If you develop a sense of identity based on your [victimhood, loss, recovering-parenthood, etc.] you have escaped one trap only to fall into another.”  (That’s a direct quote from the book except for the parens).  This is because any identity other than your pure essence (some might say “God”) is frought with some earthly or ego-centered frailty at one point or another.

Here’s the peace in NOW:  Right now I am this breathing body filled with the spirit of life.  If, tomorrow, I experience a trauma and my mind/body experiences intense pain of some sort or another, at any given moment I am still this breathing body filled with the spirit of life.  What I’m trying to get to is this question (which we’ve discussed before in a different context): How do you identify yourself?  I’m thinking that the answer to this question begins any person’s true recovery.

I’m really just thinking through this “out loud” here on this screen.  But I’m experiencing access to an always-accessible quiet of “Peace and Now” lately. And this time it’s not just because my boys are in full recovery – because one of them had a relapse recently.  He had a relapse and I started to re-identify with my “parent-of-addict-filled-with-fear-and-worry” self again. But I was reading this book, and I find I’m changing a bit in my ability to … as A Course in Miracles says … “See things differently.”

Please know I’m not lecturing or making light of where you are, what you’ve been through, or what you’re feeling.  I’m just sharing an idea that might help others as it’s helping me today. Right now. God bless you.

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Questions for God

This is my first humble attempt at creating a youtube video with a bit of spiritual teaching and an original song. Surely we’ve all had questions for God. Please view gently – I’m just testing this out.

Indulging in Self-Care

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I’ve been thinking that many of us women are taught to ignore self-care and replace it with self-indulgence. We might not get enough sleep (especially if we have children … especially if we have addict children), but we might make up for it with shoe shopping. Maybe we’re dieting in an attempt to stay attractive to a husband (or to get a husband!), but we might drink a bottle of wine just to feel good at the end of the day.

Clearly, Self-Care and Self-Indulgence are not interchangeable.  And as we learn to really take care of ourselves (eat well, exercise, sleep, quiet time, prayer, etc.), our need to indulge will dissipate. Our lives will take on a natural balance and calm.

The only person who can provide Self-Care to you is YOU. Start today. Let me know if I can help! (onemomtalking@gmail.com).

Who am I?

Do you ever feel like addiction has taken over your identity? I know some of you get this. You don’t have to be the person taking the drugs to find yourself a victim of this sneaky identity theft.

I don’t come by here as often as I used to; and sometimes I feel selfish for staying away.  Sure, I started this blog in part for myself, but more in the hopes that my sharing would help others. And now I’m staying away – because, at least in part, I’m protecting my identity. This blog has inadvertently preserved some intense emotional memory for me.  Frankly, I don’t want to remember those feelings most of the time.

My boys are doing well right now, although we all know that could change on any day. But while they’re clean, I find myself snatching back pieces of my identity as often as possible, and pushing away this one part of who I am – and always will be.

Who am I now?  Where will life take me next?  No idea – or way too many ideas.  For now, I’m just One Mom Talking. God bless you all!