“Stuck in the Middle with You” or “Walking a Codependent Path”

Decisions, decisions, decisions.  Do you ever get tired of decisionmaking?  Sheesh.  

This is a heavy topic for me right now because I’m stuck in a state of indecision … because I feel like this particular decision holds heavy weight for many people.  I expect the truth is that it holds heavy weight for me.  I don’t have a clear perspective.  I’m a recovering codependent — used to thinking that my decisions have the ability to keep things together…or break them apart not only for me, but for those close to me as well.

What’s this all about?  A move.  I want to move.  We’re not talking two towns over or even to a neighboring state.  I want to move almost 2000 miles from my current location back to where my mom and dad and sister and cousins and other friends live.  I want to be on the coast, at the ocean’s edge.  The place on this earth that my heart cries for.  I want to move there with my daughter, who wants to be near the women in the family and who yearns for a new beginning after a couple of very difficult years.  I want this.

I want to be near my mother as she ages but while she’s still vibrantly alive.  I don’t want to wait until the doctor calls and suggests I come take care of my mother on her deathbed.  I don’t want to wait for that.

And yet … my boys are 18 and 20 — not so independent yet.  Especially Dan, who is doing great in recovery so far.  Three weeks out of rehab and still clean.  A job pending.  Court appearances still to come.  Al, 18, his life on solid ground for the first time in a long time.  He could actually join in the move or not, but Dan has no choice because of court.  He cannot move, probably for a year or two.  He would have to stay back with this dad.  And when I talked with him he said, “Don’t move away!  I already have no friends…” (He can’t socialize with his old friends due to their partying and his addiction).  “I can’t imagine you not being close by!”

And on top of that my job — where I finally have a boss who is teaching me and encouraging me and helping me to grow in our business and become more of the leader I want to be.

Here I am.  Stuck.  Trying to think of a way to make everybody happy and to move forward without any negative consequence.  Or to stay put … again … so that I will not bear the responsibility of initiating potentially hurtful change.  But in that, sacrificing my own yearning.  And my mother’s.  And my daughter’s.

Ah yes — awake at 4AM and singing, “Clowns to the left of me.  Jokers to the right.  Here I am: Stuck in the middle with you.”

11 responses to ““Stuck in the Middle with You” or “Walking a Codependent Path”

  1. Yep, this is a HUGE decision. As I read this I felt myself thinking “do it, do it!!!” until I got to the part about Dan and your job. I know the “right” answer is that Dan needs to learn to live without you there to be his friend…I would have a hard time leaving my son right now but he has no other parent or siblings. What about finding a new job? How does that play into this? I think it would be a great move for you because its the longing of your heart. Good luck, be good to yourself as you process all this.

    • Barbara — I KNOW! It’s such a big deal to me! As far as the job — actually I’m in good shape. By the time I would move (late summer), I’d have a year there, a new and improved title, and some solid experience in my field (nonprofit management). So while I would hate to leave (because I love this job and my boss), it is not as big a factor as I sometimes make it seem. Thanks for visiting!

  2. It’s only considerate to think about the ramifications to all involved. But, when you’re done thinking, you never really can predict the good, the bad and the ugly. Your move may be leading the way to a better life for everyone. Staying may allow everyone to stay stuck. You just never know. Not too many downsides to moving to be near family in this post. Eighteen and twenty is not all that young.

    • Thanks, Madison. I had someone else express a similar idea to me recently about how if I get “unstuck” it might loosen things for the kids as well. Good consideration!

  3. Kay, you wrote: “I’m a recovering codependent — used to thinking that my decisions have the ability to keep things together…or break them apart not only for me, but for those close to me as well.”

    Boy, can I relate to that!

    You do have a tough decision before you. I pray God will make your path clear before you.

    Blessings,
    Cheri

    • Thanks, Cheri. You’re right to remind me that God will make everything clear … and in His time. Today my mom called and said the house next door to hers went up for sale, for a great price, and they might even throw in the furniture (the lady who owned it had to go to assisted living and her kids don’t want to hassle w/ the house). Hmmmm….

  4. What does your GUT tell you?

    • My GUT says go, Jennifer. My nervousness about my boys says stay. I am allowing myself to imagine what it would be like on the plus side. And I’ve been having fun with that! 🙂

  5. Hi – I’m new to your blog, but your post really spoke to me. While reading it I realized that I am also still stuck in many ways. I’m going to take some time to read more of your history!

    • Hi Sherry. Welcome!! Thanks for stopping by. I’d love for you to read some of the background of my story here. And please feel free to comment, or ask questions. If you want to chat one-on-one, you can leave a message as well. This community has been a big support to me, and I’m happy to do the same when I can. God bless!!

  6. Sounds like you really want to go. Can the boys stay with their father, if so they are not really alone. I know this is a really hard decision but I hope you do what is right for you.

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