Decisions, decisions, decisions. Do you ever get tired of decisionmaking? Sheesh.
This is a heavy topic for me right now because I’m stuck in a state of indecision … because I feel like this particular decision holds heavy weight for many people. I expect the truth is that it holds heavy weight for me. I don’t have a clear perspective. I’m a recovering codependent — used to thinking that my decisions have the ability to keep things together…or break them apart not only for me, but for those close to me as well.
What’s this all about? A move. I want to move. We’re not talking two towns over or even to a neighboring state. I want to move almost 2000 miles from my current location back to where my mom and dad and sister and cousins and other friends live. I want to be on the coast, at the ocean’s edge. The place on this earth that my heart cries for. I want to move there with my daughter, who wants to be near the women in the family and who yearns for a new beginning after a couple of very difficult years. I want this.
I want to be near my mother as she ages but while she’s still vibrantly alive. I don’t want to wait until the doctor calls and suggests I come take care of my mother on her deathbed. I don’t want to wait for that.
And yet … my boys are 18 and 20 — not so independent yet. Especially Dan, who is doing great in recovery so far. Three weeks out of rehab and still clean. A job pending. Court appearances still to come. Al, 18, his life on solid ground for the first time in a long time. He could actually join in the move or not, but Dan has no choice because of court. He cannot move, probably for a year or two. He would have to stay back with this dad. And when I talked with him he said, “Don’t move away! I already have no friends…” (He can’t socialize with his old friends due to their partying and his addiction). “I can’t imagine you not being close by!”
And on top of that my job — where I finally have a boss who is teaching me and encouraging me and helping me to grow in our business and become more of the leader I want to be.
Here I am. Stuck. Trying to think of a way to make everybody happy and to move forward without any negative consequence. Or to stay put … again … so that I will not bear the responsibility of initiating potentially hurtful change. But in that, sacrificing my own yearning. And my mother’s. And my daughter’s.
Ah yes — awake at 4AM and singing, “Clowns to the left of me. Jokers to the right. Here I am: Stuck in the middle with you.”