One Mom Talking: Update

I’ve been gone awhile.  I moved across the country with my daughter.  Packing up the house was hard.  I didn’t do a good job of it.  And if friends hadn’t shown up and pushed it along, I never would have been out by my target date.  I left stuff there.  I threw away so much.  I have so little.  Materially, I’m pretty darn broke.

I think the move was right.  I think this is the right thing for my daughter and probably even for me.  I walked a mile along the shore of the Atlantic earlier this evening and felt something that I think was PEACE.  But it didn’t last long.

I made the mistake of watching a Lifetime movie tonight.  Why do I do that?  It was about high school kids who were partying too much and one of them ended up killing a man who came in to break up the party.  Of course this brought back vivid memories of when my house was the party house.  Memories and guilt and sadness and that overall feeling of cluelessness.  You know:  HOW DID I NOT COMPREHEND THE DANGER??  WHY DID I NOT STOP THEM??

I’ll tell you … I need a group.   But Al-Anon just doesn’t seem to do it for me.  I should probably go anyway.  I probably should.

Tonight I’m just one mom talking, as I’ve always been.  Now that we’re away from it all and attempting to create a “normal” life, I realize that there is no such thing.  Or that this is it.  It doesn’t go away.  I want to get my daughter into some kind of program but she has put up such a wall.  She’s just starting to relax a little, even around me.  I think I should let her settle in.  Not push.  And then I get back to that doubt about my own ability to have a clue what to do for her.  Tired.

Really, I don’t mean to sound completely down.  I’ve had some very good days these past few weeks.  Including a letter from Dan.  He is back in jail after a relapse at rehab.  He voluntarily put himself back in jail though – which is a good sign.  He didn’t want to risk using again.  So he’s been clean since sometime in may except for that one slip.  His sentencing is scheduled for 9/7.  They will likely let him out on probation.  He will probably stay at his dad’s house again.  I am across the country, but the idea of that still frightens me on several levels:  The possibility of him using again, the effects on Al who has been living with his dad now that I’ve moved, and the effects on their dad who is trying to shoulder a lot by allowing Dan back in the house.  And me and my daughter, who will just always have that wonder in the back of our minds when the phone rings.  Will it be the bad news this time?

It’s 11:30PM and I am going to try to sleep.  I have been sleeping well.  Thank goodness.  But maybe not tonight.  Feeling it a little heavy tonight.  Glad to vent here.  God bless!

7 responses to “One Mom Talking: Update

  1. It takes time to adjust to a new surrounding. Both for you and your daughter. Try to look at the positive side of things. You made a brave move and life goes on. Your daughter will probably adjust quickly once school starts and she makes new friends. You can’t control what your son does wheather you live here or there. Al-anon has never sparked my interest much either because I don’t always feel like talking about my addict daughter and listening to people talking about their problems with their addict children. It gets too depressing. Sometimes it helps just to get away from it all and try to enjoy life and the positive things it offers.

  2. I actually read this post after your last post, because you commented that you were feeling better so I wanted to see “where you were.” I think you are doing great. You are dealing with a lot of changes right now (something I have also experienced) and it takes time to adapt to those changes. My circle of friends tell me tht constantly! And they are right.

    So one day at a time, and try to make sure you focus on one good thing a day. The walk on the beach for example sounded awesome! Take care and you continue to be in my thoughts and my prayers.

  3. Al Anon never ‘fit’ me either. I had a major problem with being told that I have a problem, LOL. My problem was my kid is a junkie. I always said that I wasn’t an enabler, or all my children would be junkies??

    didn’t make sense then, doesn’t make sense now. Then I looked for another type group. None of them fit. They were either blaming the manufacturer of Oxycontin’s for getting their babies hooked on drugs, or some variation on a theme thereof.

    I never have found a group that fits me. A group that says…

    For Parent of Heroin Addicts – parents who have no earthly clue WHY or HOW their kids got on Heroin because the kids were the good ones, who did well in school, had family dinners, went to church, played sports and fit in well with the ‘good group’ in school, kids who went to college. For parents who don’t know what to do, or say, or pay for, or not pay for, or when to try and when to let go, For parents who garden at 3 a.m because their lives are so topsy turvy now that their stress level is off the charts, for parents who don’t know if they should love, hate, or just buy their kid a one way ticket to anywhere AWAY from the parents.

    As soon as THAT group is started, I’m there!!!

    • Dawn – you are a joy! Your thoughts are so similar to mine. And I have played with the idea of starting that group. A group for parents of addicts. Because while there are similarities that we share with people who have others in their lives who are addicts or alchoholics, I think there are some unique issues for parents of addicts that other groups don’t quite get to. I am wondering if a once-a-year weekend of workshops, networking and fellowship, created specifically for parents of addicts, would be a good thing to create. Hmmm…
      God bless you.

  4. This brings back all of it to me also. The guilt, the unhappiness, the worry. I am here for you Peg. I am hoping that now that you are in a peaceful place some of it will be able to seep into your heart and soul. I pray your daughter can start to open up also. We are closer than before in distance but still too far away. You are in my heart, however.

  5. Dawn, That is the group I need. When it starts, let me know. I went to Naranon and came out more depressed and upset than when I went in. Not for me.!

  6. Kay,

    Glad to hear you are settling in some, and I pray that you and your daughter will soon be feeling right at home in your new environment. Sorry to hear that Dan relapsed, but happy to hear that he went back to jail of his own accord. Praying for him too, and your other son.

    I have been AWOL for a bit . . . finishing my book. It is done now and at the publisher, so I wanted to drop by and say hi. I’ve been getting your updates in my email, so I am praying.


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