I’ve been gone awhile. I moved across the country with my daughter. Packing up the house was hard. I didn’t do a good job of it. And if friends hadn’t shown up and pushed it along, I never would have been out by my target date. I left stuff there. I threw away so much. I have so little. Materially, I’m pretty darn broke.
I think the move was right. I think this is the right thing for my daughter and probably even for me. I walked a mile along the shore of the Atlantic earlier this evening and felt something that I think was PEACE. But it didn’t last long.
I made the mistake of watching a Lifetime movie tonight. Why do I do that? It was about high school kids who were partying too much and one of them ended up killing a man who came in to break up the party. Of course this brought back vivid memories of when my house was the party house. Memories and guilt and sadness and that overall feeling of cluelessness. You know: HOW DID I NOT COMPREHEND THE DANGER?? WHY DID I NOT STOP THEM??
I’ll tell you … I need a group. But Al-Anon just doesn’t seem to do it for me. I should probably go anyway. I probably should.
Tonight I’m just one mom talking, as I’ve always been. Now that we’re away from it all and attempting to create a “normal” life, I realize that there is no such thing. Or that this is it. It doesn’t go away. I want to get my daughter into some kind of program but she has put up such a wall. She’s just starting to relax a little, even around me. I think I should let her settle in. Not push. And then I get back to that doubt about my own ability to have a clue what to do for her. Tired.
Really, I don’t mean to sound completely down. I’ve had some very good days these past few weeks. Including a letter from Dan. He is back in jail after a relapse at rehab. He voluntarily put himself back in jail though – which is a good sign. He didn’t want to risk using again. So he’s been clean since sometime in may except for that one slip. His sentencing is scheduled for 9/7. They will likely let him out on probation. He will probably stay at his dad’s house again. I am across the country, but the idea of that still frightens me on several levels: The possibility of him using again, the effects on Al who has been living with his dad now that I’ve moved, and the effects on their dad who is trying to shoulder a lot by allowing Dan back in the house. And me and my daughter, who will just always have that wonder in the back of our minds when the phone rings. Will it be the bad news this time?
It’s 11:30PM and I am going to try to sleep. I have been sleeping well. Thank goodness. But maybe not tonight. Feeling it a little heavy tonight. Glad to vent here. God bless!