The MOA Train of Thought

If you are active in this particular support community, you know that I did not make up the “MOA” term.  But I like it.  MOA = Mother of an Addict.  (credit: 

My strongest MOA sympton right now is a feeling of nervousness in the evenings.  Understand – I don’t live with my addicts anymore and they are both in recovery right now.  So the issues many of you are dealing with are not a direct part of my life at the moment.  And yet, still this hint of anxiety.  It starts as the day closes, and it centers around Al, who is living in a halfway house in another state (not near to me or his dad).  As the sun sets, I begin to feel that tightness in my belly.  As the day grows dark, the quiet thoughts sneak in:  “Maybe he’s thinking about using now.”  “Maybe he used today.” “Is he doing as well as he says he is?” “Where will he turn if he starts using in this new town?”

You are probably familiar with the train of thought. 

The good news is that I’m learning to stop the train before it speeds up enough to make it to the tunnel.  It sometimes turns from nervousness to mild fear, but it doesn’t make it all the way to full anxiety or terror.  It doesn’t keep me from sleeping anymore.  When I notice it beginning to chug-chug-chug, I turn to prayer.  I’m talking on-my-knees prayer.  Prayer and an encouraging Bible verse and my nightly gratitude list are enough to stop the train.

There is life after heroin.  God bless you all.

3 responses to “The MOA Train of Thought

  1. Oh yes, very familiar with this train of thought. I think I bought a season’s pass of tickets for this ride and then finally began stop taking the train and let it ride without me. Its not easy though. It takes effort not to be anxious. Sometimes writing about it helps…hope you feel better after sharing. Hugs to you!

  2. I agree with you. We have come so far. Last year this time I would have been in sheer terror, no sleep. Now I can let the cell phone lay where it is and be worried but not manic. My daughter was speaking at a rehab over an hour away last night (yes, speaking) can you believe it? and while I wanted to make that phone call and become panicked, i relaxed and read a book. She came home eventually and all went well. I am so glad that I have had you to talk to on this journey. I am a MOA.

  3. oh yes…as an MOA, I KNOW that feeling…and can really relate to it in the evenings, although not much lately, thank God. How about hearing a siren ? That was always a tough one…especially since one time they were for our son…sigh. 😦

    Our son is now in recovery, although it’s quite early, only 90 days and he’s in a halfway house out of state. I’m getting better about handling the feelings,….even though he’s called and “stirred the pot” of them since he’s been living where he is now. Prayer helps me to stop the worry/fear and set it aside for now,…for whatever day I’m in. I have to keep doing that over and over….and it gives me peace,…that and faith.

    Thanks for sharing this.

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