Category Archives: Addiction

Christmas and the coming New Year

Posted on December 19, 2009 | 8 comments

Wow, I didn’t realize how long I’ve been away. Thanks to everyone who has visited here — for your support and for sharing your stories. I’m glad we have an online community to reach out to in times of trial.

As Christmas approaches, with the onset of a New Year right behind, I thought I’d give an update and a word of hope.

Dan is in jail for the second time. The court process has been encouraging though. We got a good prosecutor who seems to understand Dan’s plight. He has dropped all but one charge, and has recommended Dan for a diversion program. So, if Dan is able to comply with court orders and direction for however long (a couple of years I suppose), he will emerge with a clean record.

As for Dan’s point of view — he’s been in jail for a month. While there, some people have told him some not-so-pretty stories about prison life. He does not want to go to prison! That threat, and the possibility of a clean record, have (I think) given him much more motivation to recover than he had before. But what do we know about addicts? They are very good liars. so I’ll believe it when I see it. Still, I’m allowing myself a glimmer of hope.

Heck, it’s Christmastime! Dan gets out of jail on a new, lower bond on Tuesday — into residential rehab on Wednesday. Friday is Christmas and we will be thankful that he has another chance to put his life on a new track. I pray and pray and pray for him. And whenever I drive past the jail, I stop and pray some more. Sometimes it’s all a mother can do. But the Bible tells us that God honors a mother’s prayers (or so I’m told…I don’t know where that is in the Bible. Hm. I’ll let you know).

I am ready for a new year. I believe 2010 will be a year of healing — not just for my family, but for many, many families. That’s what I’m looking for. Healing stories of 2010. 🙂

God bless you all and have a wonderful, love-filled holiday season!

~onemomtalking

8 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Addiction, Faith, Healing, Hope, Parent of addict, Recovery, The Ongoing Story

His Life

Posted on November 22, 2009 | 7 comments

Dan’s life is his life. Dan — my addict son — was arrested early this morning. My phone rang just after 2AM. So back to jail he goes. Now it’s almost 5AM and I’m still up and he hasn’t yet called from jail. Perhaps he won’t. Perhaps he is trying to let me rest. Somehow, he still cares about me beneath the craziness. I’m sad, but also numb, and also…hopeful. Because God is greater than drug addiction. Nothing else to say right now.

7 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Addiction, Faith, Heroin, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story

Hope Walking

Posted on November 18, 2009 | 1 comment

My son is going back into rehab. And I have written this poem, tentatively titled: “Hope Walking.”

Hope Walking
by onemomtalking

No white wrappings to cover his skin,
No ebony coffin holds him in.
No Devil demands his bloody jowl,
No minions applaud his muddy scowl.
No crucifix hangs above his bed,
No ebony hood drapes over his head.
There is no funeral for the walking dead.

His mother cries where no one hears.
His father sheds dry, weary tears.
His sister hardens her heart too soon.
His brother prays by the earliest moon.
Though angels hover above his bed,
His skin is white, his eyes are red …
Continual grief for the walking dead.

Redemption awaits for the sound of his call,
God mediates both the rise and the fall.
The requests of the blessed sing heavenly songs,
One warm mustard seed, planted deep, rights his wrongs.
With Love as his blanket and Faith as his bread,
His thirst slowly quenched and his hunger soon fed,
There is hope and new life for the walking dead.

1 Comment

Posted in Addict Child, Addiction, Faith, Hope, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, The Ongoing Story

Will my real son please stand up?

Posted on November 16, 2009 | 2 comments

One day he steals from his dad. The next day he shows up for volunteer work. The next he is talking suicide, the next detox and rehab, and then he is claiming he can withdraw on his own. Insanity at work. A slow destruction. He is sick with an illness that leads to and feeds on isolation. How do you have a funeral for the walking dead?

2 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Addiction, Mental Illness, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story

Those Sad Days

Posted on November 15, 2009 | 1 comment

Today is one of those sad days. It was preceded by happy days. I had stopped writing here for awhile because things were going along fairly smoothly and I was happy to take a break from defining myself as “the mother of an addict.” But here I am again.

Today my ex husband discovered that there were checks missing from his checkbook. He called the bank and yes, indeed, my addict son had stolen checks from his dad and written them to himself and cashed them. Then my ex realized he had a box of checks up in his closet. He took a look for them and found that one whole set of checks was missing. He called the bank and closed his account. It’s a sad day.

My son called and cried when he realized we knew. There are two of him. The real one and the addict. And we see who’s winning.

My prayers are continual. And I feel like … I feel like my son has died, and yet there can be no funeral. As if he has been kidnapped maybe; only there is no ransom we can pay to get him back.

1 Comment

Posted in Addict Child, Heroin, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, Relapse, The Ongoing Story

Relapse

Posted on November 6, 2009 | 3 comments

I was sure I posted about this several days ago.

My addict son relapsed. Truth: he relapsed the day after he got home from rehab. I found him in the garage, needle in hand, Monday night. I told him to leave. It makes me sick — his shooting up, being out on the street, the lies, my boy…gone. I feel like my son is dead. I am emotionally shut off from him and I don’t know how to love him.

What happens now?

Prayer is all I have left where he is concerned. And I know that God can heal all things, is stronger than all things, and loves my boy more than I do. Prayer is all I have.

3 Comments

Posted in Faith, Parent of addict, Relapse, The Ongoing Story

Narcotics Anonymous International

Posted on October 23, 2009 | Leave a comment

If you have some dollars to spare, here’s a place to donate: http://www.firstgiving.com/narconon. Please consider giving to narconon. Every dollar helps, and if you pass on buying lunch or fancy coffee once or twice a week, you can give a little more. It helps our children and our families, our loved ones in addiction — and those in countries where there are less resources need help too.

Thanks for considering this.

OneMomTalking: Poem

Posted on October 23, 2009 | Leave a comment

I wrote this months ago, trying to give words to what I was seeing happen to my son as he lived in active addiction. Praise God, he is still clean, a month out of rehab. I am thankful!

Grave Digger
by OneMomTalking
7/24/09

So many people
gone wrong.
Their songs become the songs
of grave diggers.

One shovel
   for the death of a grandmother.
One shovel
   for father’s disapproval, one
for mother’s inability
    to move forward
     when the marriage failed.
One for the drugs he did last weekend, and now

He keeps digging
     because he doesn’t recall
    how not to dig.
His song is the song
    of a Grave Digger:
    the low baritone chant
     of a gaunt and gray
     graveman.

And the rain begins to fall.
And the rain begins to fall.
One shovel of dirt for the timing
of the rain.

The funeral
is a long way off.
But the grave:
always at the ready.

Codependency

Posted on October 8, 2009 | 3 comments

It’s 5:00AM and I have been up for an hour. So I’m reading: “Codependent No More,” by Melody Beattie. If you are in the Codependent world, you know the name. I’m on chapter two, and it has me thinking.

The more I read about codependency (“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”), the more I think of my ex husband. He is not at alcoholic nor is he a drug addict. But he does have some obsessive behaviors and he does require a certain level of … compliance … from the people close to him. I found being in a relationship with him more difficult than I could bear in part due to certain requirements of that relationship. At some point you just had to agree with him on things or he’d talk you in circles for hours until you did. And you had to go along with certain routines because breaking them would send him into a fury. After awhile, I learned to agree early on in the conversation, or to supress my own desires if they threatened to break the routine…this to avoid the inevitable hurtful outburst that would follow.

I was codependent in that relationship because I was changing my behavior in order to control his behavior. I get that. I see it in my children and I wonder how to address that with young people. Their dad loves them and doesn’t have a definable addiction that I’m aware of. And perhaps they are codependent in response to me. I wonder.

I’ve also begun thinking back to my father, who has always been a drinker, more and moreso as the years went on. But he was never mean. He would always get either silly or deep, and he’d always tell you how much he loved you and how guilty he felt for not being good enough. In response, I spent much time insisting that he hadn’t done anything to feel guilty for, telling him I loved him, and insisting to myself that I could love anyone despite their behaviors… codependency. It’s a vague concept that clearly is part of my makeup.

The book says that codependents have trouble acting on their own behalf because they spend most of their time reacting. I cannot count the times I have started projects or wanted to act on ideas, made brief projects, and ended them saying, “I just couldn’t carry it through. It’s so hard to keep my focus while (X and I are arguing…the kids are having problems…work is requiring…etc.)”

Just some early morning thoughts. Codependent no more. Sounds nice…

3 Comments

Posted in Addiction, Codependency

Tagged Codependency, codependent, family

Prodigal Son

Posted on September 20, 2009 | 12 comments

On Wednesday, my Prodigal Son comes home and I … am scared. I sit and talk with him, and he is like the young man I have always known him to be: polite, intelligent, compassionate, and stubborn. His rehab center has given him the best tools and all of the steps he needs to get a running start. He is confident. I want to reflect this same confidence to him. I want to tell him I feel sure he will succeed. But it’s not true and I have vowed to be honest. I’m just a mom who is a little bit afraid.

12 Comments

Posted in Addiction, Parent of addict, Recovery, The Ongoing Story