First things first: I want to wish all you Moms out there a wonderful, restful, peaceful, loving Mother’s Day! Even when I’m not showing up here on the Blogs, I keep you all in my prayers.
Update: Life has been busy, that’s for sure. And things are looking up these days for my family…
- DAN is doing GREAT! Last month I went to visit Colorado, saw the judge, got the restraining order lifted and, for the first time in eight months, got to spend time with Dan. I gave him so many hugs! He’s being promoted in his job and planning to apply to college for the fall. I know that an addict can slip at any time, but I’ve allowed myself to fully accept Dan’s recovery right now. He looks fantastic, has a great outlook on life, and is succeeding in all his programs. It’s amazing how a life can turn around in God’s hands. Amen.
- AL has 80 days clean! He is still looking for work, but he has also managed to stay in his sober living home and manage his life. He’s had some bumps in the road, but as far as I know they’ve not included using. I still worry about him a little … but each time we talk my worry lessens. It almost seems too good to be true that both boys are in recovery mode and staying there.
- LYNN is starting to open up. She asked me if she could go to church with me tomorrow — first time since we moved last July! I’m so happy. We’ve been getting along better. And she did really well on her ACT exam for college.
What else can I say? I’m working two jobs – which is a little nutsy – but I’m also getting back on my financial feet somewhat. I’m doing a 13-week program at my church “Financial Peace University.” It’s time to put that piece of my life in place. In the meantime, the warm weather is settling in here in South Carolina, and an hour on the beach today did a lot to calm my over-active brain. Now prayer and sleep, and a new day tomorrow.
God bless your Mother’s Day!
Update: Al is hoping to be accepted into a sober living facility in either Kansas or Nebraska! He is choosing not to try to come here or go back to Colorado. If he accomplishes this, I will call it Check Mate and declare him a winner in this round. God opens the doors, but we each have to walk through onto new paths. And the boy is walking. Amen!
Al has only ten days left in rehab. At least that’s how it looks right now. So he is deciding what to do next. His counselor recommends that he not go back to his hometown since all his connections are there. He wants to come to a halfway house about an hour away from me. I don’t know what to say.
First, I said yes. Then, I talked to his counselor and raised some serious concerns about it. Could he go somewhere in Colorado that’s not near his friends? But after that conversation, I felt terrible stress in the pit of my stomach. It doesn’t feel right.
Maybe he could come here. An hour away. Far enough that, without a car, he can’t just pop over to the house. Close enough that I could pick him up and take him to church and to the house for Sunday dinner once a week. A place where his only acquaintences would be family and the people he meets in his program. It feels right to me but I don’t know if I’m trying to control or if I’m trying to aid recovery. Once again, I’m clueless. The people in my Alanon group listen to me and nod, but give no advice.
I’m calling his counselor today to talk about it again. I feel unrest in my spirit. I have prayed that God would let things fall in place in such a way as to direct him to where he needs to go. I guess that’s the real answer. Trust God. Let go. Trust God some more. I’ve never been good at chess – and life really is not a chess game. If it is, it’s God’s move.
Posted in Addict Child, Addiction, Faith, God, Heroin, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, Recovery, The Ongoing Story
Tagged Addiction, Heroin, Recovery, Rehab
This is a photo I took here in South Carolina. My new home. It is a symbol, though, of all rebirth for me and my family. Especially for Dan.
The bigget news: Dan gave his life to Christ after being ministered to in jail by a visiting Bible Study leader. Now, he is out on probation living with his dad. He’s been clean (except for one slip) since May. But clean now for 28 days outside of jail, by his own choice and because – he will tell you – of the power of God that lives in him. He reads the bible daily, goes to church, meets weekly with the pastor, and has met a group of students from a local college who meet for study and fellowship together. PRAISE GOD!!
I am not allowed to talk to Dan on the phone, or to visit him in person. The restraining order set in place back in May is still in effect. The judge won’t lift it until I am able to go to Colorado and meet with her in court. I don’t know when that will happen. But I am sure it will happen exactly when it’s supposed to. In the meantime, Dan and I write letters to each other. It’s a wonderful, underused way of communication. He can tell me about his life, uninterrupted, and I can do the same. We are getting to know each other in a way we might not have otherwise.
He says, “Mom, I am growing up now. And you have your own journey. Do what you need to do. I love you!” What more could a mother ask for?
The opportunity has arised. Dan’s dad bonded him out of jail yesterday after getting a call from a local, highly reputable nonprofit organization that has a long-term rehab program. They had a bed available for this morning. So Dad got Dan out of jail. Watched over him for 24 hours. And took him in this morning.
I am hopeful. I am fearful but I push the fear aside and I am hopeful. The minimum stay in this program is 18 months. I think the maximum is three years. They serve addicts, alcoholics and the chronic homeless. It is a Biblically based program. They give rehab, counseling, education and work. They help the client work their way back into the community. And if Dan successfully completes the program and graduates, they will provide a health and dental insurance plan for the rest of his life (when he needs it), and they will give him a car. Wow. Seems too good.
This morning Dan stopped by. My mother is visiting from the East Coast and they had a nice talk. I gave him a big hug, told him I believe in him, and then I broke down. Couldn’t help it. The tears just flowed.
His dad took him to the store for a few things, drove to the center, and dropped him off. I will go to see him once or twice before the move. And, of course, pray … long and hard.
One day at a time. As always. Keeping it simple. Typing it here. Giving it to God.
I really have so much to update and will not do that at this time. It’s 6AM and I need to shower and go to work.
I will tell you that I have been feeling guilty lately because I’m moving forward with my life and spend less and less time in “mother of addict” mode. Does this mean I’m denying reality? Don’t know. Dan’s been in jail for months now. I saw him Friday and he looks good. I cried when I saw him. He cried too…well, almost. I saw tears in his eyes.
Anyway, I had been feeling guilty about not visiting him enough, about actually going forward with the move (five weeks), about not trying to help him define his next step, etc. And then in church yesterday, we saw this U2 video. It settled my heart a bit. Perhaps it will serve you as well. God Bless!
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
- It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well
With my soul.
It is well; It is well with my soul!
So my son’s life is his journey. In don’t know his purpose. I don’t know God’s plan for him — the details I mean. Here I am awake at almost 1AM. Can’t help it. Can’t sleep. He’s out there somewhere. But I’m praying to let it go. Because I don’t know his journey, his purpose, God’s plan. There are so many possibilities. Just as Jesus went to his death to give us life, so perhaps my son walks a death path to provide something that I cannot imagine … somehow. If he comes out of it, he might save others with his testimony. Or, among his drug-user friends, he might say something that turns someone else around. Or his example stops others from going to drugs. I have to find meaning in what feels meaningless. And only God can provide that.
I have so much to say and yet so little. My heart is breaking and I’m numb. I know what’s right and think that nothing is right. I miss my son and hope he stays away and I want him home. Yep. One big bundle of everything.
Tomorrow, I will take a walk in the sun and live fully. It’s the only real choice.
Friends: A few of you suggested Scripture in regard to guarding our hearts. I have read these words and realize there is always a balance — guard our hearts in an earthly manner, but do not be discouraged, since God is at work in all that we see, and we do not know His reasons or His eternal perspective. Here are two verses for you. And at the end, some music to give you strength and hope!
Advice from Proverbs 4:
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
And mighty encouragement from 2Chronicles, Chapter 20:
13 As all the men of Judah stood before the Lord with their little ones, wives, and children, 14 the Spirit of the Lord came upon one of the men standing there. His name was Jahaziel son of Zechariah, son of Benaiah, son of Jeiel, son of Mattaniah, a Levite who was a descendant of Asaph.
15 He said, “Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. 17 But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”
When you are feeling unsure of Victory, play this and sing along!