I really have so much to update and will not do that at this time. It’s 6AM and I need to shower and go to work.
I will tell you that I have been feeling guilty lately because I’m moving forward with my life and spend less and less time in “mother of addict” mode. Does this mean I’m denying reality? Don’t know. Dan’s been in jail for months now. I saw him Friday and he looks good. I cried when I saw him. He cried too…well, almost. I saw tears in his eyes.
Anyway, I had been feeling guilty about not visiting him enough, about actually going forward with the move (five weeks), about not trying to help him define his next step, etc. And then in church yesterday, we saw this U2 video. It settled my heart a bit. Perhaps it will serve you as well. God Bless!
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
- It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well
With my soul.
It is well; It is well with my soul!
Well, “Boy” of course is a relative term. He’s so tall. But I was at a local shopping center and there was Dan. Gosh, he was filthy. But he smiled and gave me a great big hug. That made me very glad. I told him that I would be home tomorrow, and that if he wanted to come by the house to take a shower, I’d run his clothes through the washing machine and make him a meal. He said yes, he’d like that (we’ll see). He asked if his friend could come but I had to say no. I’ve known that particular friend for a long time and don’t trust him for a minute. (I love him, but I don’t trust him, you know?)
That was a gift. It’s funny because I ran into all kinds of interruptions trying to get to the store. Perhaps there was a reason. A little Angel bringing me and Dan together for a few good moments between mother and son. Thanks, God!
I have a kinship with poet Emily Dickinson. Here’s one of her pieces on HOPE.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
by Emily Dickinson
“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –
And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –
I’ve heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet – never – in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of me.
Oh yes, I mean this literally and figuratively. Not meaning to take His name in vein or anything but My Son Dan Starts Training For His New Job Today and all I can say is “THANK GOD!!” Seriously, I am truly grateful. This is an important step for my son in his recovery. It will (a) give him something to do with his days, (b) provide him with money so he can do other things he’s interested in and/or go back to school, (c) build his self-esteem as he succeeds in his tasks. It’s a starter job, no doubt — that’s just fine. He was afraid that he would not be hired since he is dealing with some legal issues. But apparently he passed his drug test (YAY) and now he is employed!
And while I’m on the subject of thankfulness, if you’re ever feeling down, just do a google search for “Thankful” — either a site search or images. There are many blogs and websites dedicated to gratitude and they are all quite cheery.
Friends: A few of you suggested Scripture in regard to guarding our hearts. I have read these words and realize there is always a balance — guard our hearts in an earthly manner, but do not be discouraged, since God is at work in all that we see, and we do not know His reasons or His eternal perspective. Here are two verses for you. And at the end, some music to give you strength and hope!
Advice from Proverbs 4:
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
And mighty encouragement from 2Chronicles, Chapter 20:
13 As all the men of Judah stood before the Lord with their little ones, wives, and children, 14 the Spirit of the Lord came upon one of the men standing there. His name was Jahaziel son of Zechariah, son of Benaiah, son of Jeiel, son of Mattaniah, a Levite who was a descendant of Asaph.
15 He said, “Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. 17 But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”
When you are feeling unsure of Victory, play this and sing along!
Dan came home from Rehab 2 yesterday. Not home to my house though; home to his dad’s. I was nervous. The hardest part is not knowing what to expect. I do see some differences this time though:
He’s not talking like it’s going to be easy. The first time he came out of rehab, he talked idealistically about how he was changing his life. He was full of rose-colored optimism. Constantly reassuring me. And he was lying the whole time. Using the whole time. Now, he’s talking about the struggle. About how he hopes he can make it. How he hopes he can grow strong enough to serve as an example to others. But he knows it will be hard. He told me, “I’m doing my best mom. I hope I can do it. I think I can. But please know that I might mess up.” Realism. A good sign.
He will drive 30 miles to his after care counseling three times a week. He is not arguing against this. Last time he insisted that he didn’t need support. This time, he says he realizes the only way he can make it is to have a support system in place.
So I’m hoping. But there is that little knot in my stomach. The good news — it’s not there all the time. I don’t think about it all the time. I am sleeping. I am focusing on my other children, my job, my house and not obsessing on Dan and addiction all the time. Another new start for Dan. Another new start for the family.
Praying for you all, and grateful for your support!
Wow, I didn’t realize how long I’ve been away. Thanks to everyone who has visited here — for your support and for sharing your stories. I’m glad we have an online community to reach out to in times of trial.
As Christmas approaches, with the onset of a New Year right behind, I thought I’d give an update and a word of hope.
Dan is in jail for the second time. The court process has been encouraging though. We got a good prosecutor who seems to understand Dan’s plight. He has dropped all but one charge, and has recommended Dan for a diversion program. So, if Dan is able to comply with court orders and direction for however long (a couple of years I suppose), he will emerge with a clean record.
As for Dan’s point of view — he’s been in jail for a month. While there, some people have told him some not-so-pretty stories about prison life. He does not want to go to prison! That threat, and the possibility of a clean record, have (I think) given him much more motivation to recover than he had before. But what do we know about addicts? They are very good liars. so I’ll believe it when I see it. Still, I’m allowing myself a glimmer of hope.
Heck, it’s Christmastime! Dan gets out of jail on a new, lower bond on Tuesday — into residential rehab on Wednesday. Friday is Christmas and we will be thankful that he has another chance to put his life on a new track. I pray and pray and pray for him. And whenever I drive past the jail, I stop and pray some more. Sometimes it’s all a mother can do. But the Bible tells us that God honors a mother’s prayers (or so I’m told…I don’t know where that is in the Bible. Hm. I’ll let you know).
I am ready for a new year. I believe 2010 will be a year of healing — not just for my family, but for many, many families. That’s what I’m looking for. Healing stories of 2010. 🙂
God bless you all and have a wonderful, love-filled holiday season!
I am happy to see — for the first time, I think — that the size of the “God” tag is larger than the size of the “Heroin” tag on this blog site. Go God!!
My son is going back into rehab. And I have written this poem, tentatively titled: “Hope Walking.”
No white wrappings to cover his skin,
No ebony coffin holds him in.
No Devil demands his bloody jowl,
No minions applaud his muddy scowl.
No crucifix hangs above his bed,
No ebony hood drapes over his head.
There is no funeral for the walking dead.
His mother cries where no one hears.
His father sheds dry, weary tears.
His sister hardens her heart too soon.
His brother prays by the earliest moon.
Though angels hover above his bed,
His skin is white, his eyes are red …
Continual grief for the walking dead.
Redemption awaits for the sound of his call,
God mediates both the rise and the fall.
The requests of the blessed sing heavenly songs,
One warm mustard seed, planted deep, rights his wrongs.
With Love as his blanket and Faith as his bread,
His thirst slowly quenched and his hunger soon fed,
There is hope and new life for the walking dead.