Tonight I am having quiet time for the first time in a long time. A long bubble bath. Some quiet music. No TV or stereo. Played the piano. Meditated on a reading in “A Course in Miracles.” I am enjoying the silence.
I also spent some time on a website I want to recommend: www.gratefulness.org. It’s a nice, restful place to visit online.
Here’s a quote I read tonight that made me smile: “Creating is the opposite of loss.” (ACIM) Perhaps that’s part of what we parents-of-addicts are doing here. Taking creative action in opposition to our loss.
I wish you all a wonderful evening. I hope everyone out there can find something to be grateful for as this day draws to a close.
~One Mom Talking~
In the middle of all of this, my faith has been quiet — strong within me but not without. It is time for me to begin to speak the truth and release the power of my God:
“But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Micah 7: 7”
Here are Scriptures of Hope: http://www.heavensinspirations.com/word-hope.html
Sometimes the level of upheavel in my life reaches crazy proportions. At least it feels that way. I always stop myself there because I know that others have it worse. Somewhere, there’s someone with all of my problems and…they are homeless, or they are in an abusive relationship, or their child is missing, or someone has died. Just typing those things makes me realize my blessings, although that wasn’t my original intent in writing this morning.
It’s been like this over the past six months: I discovered my boys’ heroin use; I lost my job; my boyfriend retired from his job and then had major surgery; my boys’ drug use increased in severity; i came down with a serious health problem that requires several expensive tests to diagnose; I started a new job; my son was arrested and spent time in jail; my son went to rehab; my other son suffered regular panic attacks; a serious conflict in my church led to several good friends and ministry partners leaving the church and much in-fighting among people I love; my boyfriend’s ex-wife tried to revoke his time with his children (and I promise, not for any good reason) and demands more money (trust me, she’s getting more than she needs); he leaves the state to look for a new job; I start Al-Anon and now, begin to face my ever-increasing debt that has accumulated throughout this past spring and summer; a bill shows up for my younger son’s drug counseling, which I had been told was going to be free.
Deep breath. Again, life is worse for many people. I don’t live in my car. I have a job now, with insurance. I’m healthy again. But you know, every now and then I just want to whine.
Oh yes, and my real point…when everything goes topsy turvy — seek God! I had a thought this morning. In the third chapter of Exodus, in the Bible, God gets Moses’ attention by speaking to him in the fire of a burning bush. The really unusual thing that got Moses’ attention about the bush was that, while it was on fire, it was not being consumed by the fire. Ha. I realized this morning that the bush represents more than God getting our attention in unusual circumstances. The bush is a sign to Moses of his future life with God. Because, my friends, doesn’t life reach those points where we feel like a burning bush — old, dried up, broken by the slightest wind? And yet, if we walk covered by the grace of God, we can be standing in the middle of the fire and NOT be consumed by it. This is the greatest hope!
So I say, thank God for God. Because on my own, I could not do this crazy living in any kind of a sane way.
A funny thing happens when the kids don’t have any immediate troubles… I am forced to face my own. Dan has been home for nine days and attended nine meetings. His friends are going with him. There have been no signs of any substances or substance use in my house. Cathy is settling in; her emotions are steadier and she’s regaining her focus. Allen is covering some ground with his therapist, learning to communicate emotions, and taking responsibility for his own health in a more active way.
So now, I have no one to look at but me, my house, my finances. They are all pretty messy (um…it’s not a pretty mess though). I don’t really want to do this. It’s so much easier to ignore my bills because of my children’s crises!
Also, I have not gone to an al-anon meeting yet. What’s with that? What am I avoiding? After all that’s happened, it seemed like an easy thing. My denial — an old friend — still tends to kick in. I recognize her. That’s why I’ve been avoiding this page. But here I am. One Mom Talking.
A random thought: Do I need to get a flu shot? For the kids too?