In the middle of all of this, my faith has been quiet — strong within me but not without. It is time for me to begin to speak the truth and release the power of my God:
“But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Micah 7: 7”
Here are Scriptures of Hope: http://www.heavensinspirations.com/word-hope.html
One day he steals from his dad. The next day he shows up for volunteer work. The next he is talking suicide, the next detox and rehab, and then he is claiming he can withdraw on his own. Insanity at work. A slow destruction. He is sick with an illness that leads to and feeds on isolation. How do you have a funeral for the walking dead?
Today is one of those sad days. It was preceded by happy days. I had stopped writing here for awhile because things were going along fairly smoothly and I was happy to take a break from defining myself as “the mother of an addict.” But here I am again.
Today my ex husband discovered that there were checks missing from his checkbook. He called the bank and yes, indeed, my addict son had stolen checks from his dad and written them to himself and cashed them. Then my ex realized he had a box of checks up in his closet. He took a look for them and found that one whole set of checks was missing. He called the bank and closed his account. It’s a sad day.
My son called and cried when he realized we knew. There are two of him. The real one and the addict. And we see who’s winning.
My prayers are continual. And I feel like … I feel like my son has died, and yet there can be no funeral. As if he has been kidnapped maybe; only there is no ransom we can pay to get him back.
Posted in Addict Child, Heroin, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, Relapse, The Ongoing Story
I was sure I posted about this several days ago.
My addict son relapsed. Truth: he relapsed the day after he got home from rehab. I found him in the garage, needle in hand, Monday night. I told him to leave. It makes me sick — his shooting up, being out on the street, the lies, my boy…gone. I feel like my son is dead. I am emotionally shut off from him and I don’t know how to love him.
What happens now?
Prayer is all I have left where he is concerned. And I know that God can heal all things, is stronger than all things, and loves my boy more than I do. Prayer is all I have.
Posted in Faith, Parent of addict, Relapse, The Ongoing Story
In your day-to-day life, do you tend to act or react? oh sure, we all do both. But those of us who tend toward codependency tend to spend much of our time reacting to the emotions and desires of others rather than choosing actions which stem from our own core selves — our own interests, life goals, and personal beliefs and desires.
Example: I want to move to another house. This house has bad memories for me at this point, plus my rent is higher than I will be able to afford soon due to an upcoming loss of alimony income. My boyfriend thinks this is a great idea. Time to downsize. So I am happy and start to move forward, taking a look at apartments and rental homes. Then my daughter speaks against it: “I’m not moving THERE! This is a terrible idea!” I start to question my decision. Then my middle son expresses enthusiasm. I start moving foward again, etc., etc.
Today in Alanon we talked about how we can learn not to take on other people’s emotions. I have realized recently how frequently I do that. It’s an interesting journey, this self-discovery and healing process.
I wrote this months ago, trying to give words to what I was seeing happen to my son as he lived in active addiction. Praise God, he is still clean, a month out of rehab. I am thankful!
Grave Digger
by OneMomTalking
7/24/09
So many people
gone wrong.
Their songs become the songs
of grave diggers.
One shovel
for the death of a grandmother.
One shovel
for father’s disapproval, one
for mother’s inability
to move forward
when the marriage failed.
One for the drugs he did last weekend, and now
He keeps digging
because he doesn’t recall
how not to dig.
His song is the song
of a Grave Digger:
the low baritone chant
of a gaunt and gray
graveman.
And the rain begins to fall.
And the rain begins to fall.
One shovel of dirt for the timing
of the rain.
The funeral
is a long way off.
But the grave:
always at the ready.
Posted in Addiction, Heroin, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story
A funny thing happens when the kids don’t have any immediate troubles… I am forced to face my own. Dan has been home for nine days and attended nine meetings. His friends are going with him. There have been no signs of any substances or substance use in my house. Cathy is settling in; her emotions are steadier and she’s regaining her focus. Allen is covering some ground with his therapist, learning to communicate emotions, and taking responsibility for his own health in a more active way.
So now, I have no one to look at but me, my house, my finances. They are all pretty messy (um…it’s not a pretty mess though). I don’t really want to do this. It’s so much easier to ignore my bills because of my children’s crises!
Also, I have not gone to an al-anon meeting yet. What’s with that? What am I avoiding? After all that’s happened, it seemed like an easy thing. My denial — an old friend — still tends to kick in. I recognize her. That’s why I’ve been avoiding this page. But here I am. One Mom Talking.
A random thought: Do I need to get a flu shot? For the kids too?
Posted in Miscellaneous Chatter, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story
Dan came home yesterday. I am happy to have him here. He is, right now, excited about staying with his program. He has an added incentive — staying out of jail. He has felony drug-related charges pending which will likely be deferred if he stays clean. But I believe he wants to do it for himself, and to help some of the other young people in this area–set a good example.
But the original Prodigal Son had a brother, didn’t he? And that brother wasn’t thrilled that dad killed the calf and had a celebration upon the brother’s return. Well, this son has a sister, Cathy, who is so angry about her brother coming home. She does not admit fear (fear that her brother will relapse and, sooner than later, kill himself with that needle). But she does confess anger and a real and growing doubt about God’s existence, or at least about God’s goodness. She asked me some tough questions. And my answers, which usually make sense to adults, did not do much for Catherine.
I have suggested Alateen; she refuses to go. She doesn’t see why she should have to make any effort to find a solution to something that she did not start. So she’s holding on to her anger right now, like an anchor. A heavy anchor.
Is there anyone out there who can give me info about Alateen and how to get this lovely, stubborn 15 y.o. to go? Any suggestions about how to talk to her about God in the midst of trouble? I’ve been a leader of adults in their search for faith, but I’m floundering with my own daughter!
Posted in Faith, Fear, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story
I came back from rehab family weekend excited to jump right in to Al-Anon. But I can see how easy it would be for me to dismiss it. I’m busy. You know how that goes. And I think I’m tempted to slip back into denial. “I don’t have a heroin addict in my house if no one in my house is using heroin.” This is the lie my brain wants to adopt. The temptation to roll with that theory is very strong. I better get my butt to a meeting before this week is done.
If you are out there reading this…if you are an Al-Anon person…did it take you awhile to get plugged in and add this to your schedule? I wish someone would call me and say “come on, we’re going!” Argh.
I know there are other mothers (and fathers) of addicts out there in Blog Land. One has reached out, and I am grateful. If you are looking for community, please join us here and also: www.peglud.wordpress.com. Thanks!
Posted in Parent of addict, Support Community
One Mom Talking: The ongoing story of one mom, three teens, and heroin. 