In the middle of all of this, my faith has been quiet — strong within me but not without. It is time for me to begin to speak the truth and release the power of my God:
“But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Micah 7: 7”
Here are Scriptures of Hope: http://www.heavensinspirations.com/word-hope.html
I was sure I posted about this several days ago.
My addict son relapsed. Truth: he relapsed the day after he got home from rehab. I found him in the garage, needle in hand, Monday night. I told him to leave. It makes me sick — his shooting up, being out on the street, the lies, my boy…gone. I feel like my son is dead. I am emotionally shut off from him and I don’t know how to love him.
What happens now?
Prayer is all I have left where he is concerned. And I know that God can heal all things, is stronger than all things, and loves my boy more than I do. Prayer is all I have.
Posted in Faith, Parent of addict, Relapse, The Ongoing Story
Sometimes the level of upheavel in my life reaches crazy proportions. At least it feels that way. I always stop myself there because I know that others have it worse. Somewhere, there’s someone with all of my problems and…they are homeless, or they are in an abusive relationship, or their child is missing, or someone has died. Just typing those things makes me realize my blessings, although that wasn’t my original intent in writing this morning.
It’s been like this over the past six months: I discovered my boys’ heroin use; I lost my job; my boyfriend retired from his job and then had major surgery; my boys’ drug use increased in severity; i came down with a serious health problem that requires several expensive tests to diagnose; I started a new job; my son was arrested and spent time in jail; my son went to rehab; my other son suffered regular panic attacks; a serious conflict in my church led to several good friends and ministry partners leaving the church and much in-fighting among people I love; my boyfriend’s ex-wife tried to revoke his time with his children (and I promise, not for any good reason) and demands more money (trust me, she’s getting more than she needs); he leaves the state to look for a new job; I start Al-Anon and now, begin to face my ever-increasing debt that has accumulated throughout this past spring and summer; a bill shows up for my younger son’s drug counseling, which I had been told was going to be free.
Deep breath. Again, life is worse for many people. I don’t live in my car. I have a job now, with insurance. I’m healthy again. But you know, every now and then I just want to whine.
Oh yes, and my real point…when everything goes topsy turvy — seek God! I had a thought this morning. In the third chapter of Exodus, in the Bible, God gets Moses’ attention by speaking to him in the fire of a burning bush. The really unusual thing that got Moses’ attention about the bush was that, while it was on fire, it was not being consumed by the fire. Ha. I realized this morning that the bush represents more than God getting our attention in unusual circumstances. The bush is a sign to Moses of his future life with God. Because, my friends, doesn’t life reach those points where we feel like a burning bush — old, dried up, broken by the slightest wind? And yet, if we walk covered by the grace of God, we can be standing in the middle of the fire and NOT be consumed by it. This is the greatest hope!
So I say, thank God for God. Because on my own, I could not do this crazy living in any kind of a sane way.
Dan came home yesterday. I am happy to have him here. He is, right now, excited about staying with his program. He has an added incentive — staying out of jail. He has felony drug-related charges pending which will likely be deferred if he stays clean. But I believe he wants to do it for himself, and to help some of the other young people in this area–set a good example.
But the original Prodigal Son had a brother, didn’t he? And that brother wasn’t thrilled that dad killed the calf and had a celebration upon the brother’s return. Well, this son has a sister, Cathy, who is so angry about her brother coming home. She does not admit fear (fear that her brother will relapse and, sooner than later, kill himself with that needle). But she does confess anger and a real and growing doubt about God’s existence, or at least about God’s goodness. She asked me some tough questions. And my answers, which usually make sense to adults, did not do much for Catherine.
I have suggested Alateen; she refuses to go. She doesn’t see why she should have to make any effort to find a solution to something that she did not start. So she’s holding on to her anger right now, like an anchor. A heavy anchor.
Is there anyone out there who can give me info about Alateen and how to get this lovely, stubborn 15 y.o. to go? Any suggestions about how to talk to her about God in the midst of trouble? I’ve been a leader of adults in their search for faith, but I’m floundering with my own daughter!
Posted in Faith, Fear, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story
As soon as I made the commitment to counter my fear with statements of Faith… As soon as I reached out to God for strength… As soon as I spoke the Scripture verses and my own written statements confirming my identity as a child of the Most High — fear pulled back and I found rest. This is not a fable, friends. The ultimate power is not in our thoughts and emotions, but in the unsurpassable might of our Creator. Use whatever words you will to speak of it. I say, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
As soon as I posted about feeling afraid, I was reminded of the studying and praying I have done around the issue of fear. I believe that if I fear anything other than God, I am giving power over that thing or that process. If I live in fear of Dan’s potential relapse, it is a signal to me that I am focusing on the power of heroin or the power of addiction rather than the power of God.
So instead of focusing on my fear, I will focus on the promises of God to love me, to save me from trouble, to deliver me from my own fears, and to carry me through every difficult time. The Bible tells us:
“Jeremiah 17:7-8 blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes. Its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought, and never fails to bear fruit.”
One Mom Talking: The ongoing story of one mom, three teens, and heroin. 