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Peace and Now

You are nowYou’ve heard of “peace and quiet.”  I suggest we change the phrase to “peace and now.”  Now is quiet – maybe not outside of us, but internally…spiritually.  At the core of who we truly are, now is silent and cannot be altered.

Sounds too easy?  It is and it’s not.  I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now,” and I’m in a  section toward the back of the book titled, “Give Up the Relationship with Yourself.”  What? Isn’t our recovery about RECOVERING our own relationship with ourselves. It’s the same thing. Just roll with it for a minute and I’ll do my best to explain.

It’s this idea: “If you develop a sense of identity based on your [victimhood, loss, recovering-parenthood, etc.] you have escaped one trap only to fall into another.”  (That’s a direct quote from the book except for the parens).  This is because any identity other than your pure essence (some might say “God”) is frought with some earthly or ego-centered frailty at one point or another.

Here’s the peace in NOW:  Right now I am this breathing body filled with the spirit of life.  If, tomorrow, I experience a trauma and my mind/body experiences intense pain of some sort or another, at any given moment I am still this breathing body filled with the spirit of life.  What I’m trying to get to is this question (which we’ve discussed before in a different context): How do you identify yourself?  I’m thinking that the answer to this question begins any person’s true recovery.

I’m really just thinking through this “out loud” here on this screen.  But I’m experiencing access to an always-accessible quiet of “Peace and Now” lately. And this time it’s not just because my boys are in full recovery – because one of them had a relapse recently.  He had a relapse and I started to re-identify with my “parent-of-addict-filled-with-fear-and-worry” self again. But I was reading this book, and I find I’m changing a bit in my ability to … as A Course in Miracles says … “See things differently.”

Please know I’m not lecturing or making light of where you are, what you’ve been through, or what you’re feeling.  I’m just sharing an idea that might help others as it’s helping me today. Right now. God bless you.

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Questions for God

This is my first humble attempt at creating a youtube video with a bit of spiritual teaching and an original song. Surely we’ve all had questions for God. Please view gently – I’m just testing this out.

Indulging in Self-Care

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I’ve been thinking that many of us women are taught to ignore self-care and replace it with self-indulgence. We might not get enough sleep (especially if we have children … especially if we have addict children), but we might make up for it with shoe shopping. Maybe we’re dieting in an attempt to stay attractive to a husband (or to get a husband!), but we might drink a bottle of wine just to feel good at the end of the day.

Clearly, Self-Care and Self-Indulgence are not interchangeable.  And as we learn to really take care of ourselves (eat well, exercise, sleep, quiet time, prayer, etc.), our need to indulge will dissipate. Our lives will take on a natural balance and calm.

The only person who can provide Self-Care to you is YOU. Start today. Let me know if I can help! (onemomtalking@gmail.com).

Who am I?

Do you ever feel like addiction has taken over your identity? I know some of you get this. You don’t have to be the person taking the drugs to find yourself a victim of this sneaky identity theft.

I don’t come by here as often as I used to; and sometimes I feel selfish for staying away.  Sure, I started this blog in part for myself, but more in the hopes that my sharing would help others. And now I’m staying away – because, at least in part, I’m protecting my identity. This blog has inadvertently preserved some intense emotional memory for me.  Frankly, I don’t want to remember those feelings most of the time.

My boys are doing well right now, although we all know that could change on any day. But while they’re clean, I find myself snatching back pieces of my identity as often as possible, and pushing away this one part of who I am – and always will be.

Who am I now?  Where will life take me next?  No idea – or way too many ideas.  For now, I’m just One Mom Talking. God bless you all!

Stress Management

ImageI have gone back to counseling. Recently, I realized I was sinking into a hole of depression and I wanted to head it off before I was buried in it. The counselor gave me one of those stress-scales. If you’ve ever been in therapy or studied psychology you will be familiar with this (curious? click here http://www.actsweb.org/stress_test.php).  You check off the events you’ve experienced in the past year and then score your stress. I believe 300+ meant high stress and I scored close to 400. I think I would have scored that high for the past three years running. 

Reasons for my stress from the past two months alone:

  • Surgery: I slipped on my garage floor and broke my knee-cap in half, had surgery, have no insurance, don’t get paid time off from work, and can’t drive myself to work due to my inability to bend my knee to get in the car. I’m almost healed from that, but you get the idea: in the house and fairly immobile for six weeks.
  • I’m a GRANDMA!  The same day I broke my knee, my first grand-baby was born. It’s a GIRL! She’s healthy and beautiful. But you know what? Significant life changes produce stress whether you experience them as positive or negative. Also, due to my injury, I have not been able to travel to see her yet. So a little stress has accompanied this blessing.
  • My own grandmother passed away. Yes, within a month of my becoming a grandma, my own grandmother – my last surviving grandparent who was/is one of my heroes, joined the heavenly choir. I’m happy for her. She lived a good, long life and was ready to join her friends and family on the other side. Still, I grieve the loss. (And no, I was not able to travel to be with my family at her memorial service … see above).
  • My son re-entered rehab. This is Al, the new dad. Apparently, after his surgery some months ago, they gave him Vicodin for pain and despite his telling us otherwise, he just revealed that he’s never been off them since. He’s doing a two-week stint in rehab and heading back. He and his girlfriend are having troubles. They both love their baby, but they are both unsure about their future as a couple. And so it goes.

In the middle of all of this, and through these few counseling sessions, I have found life lessons:

  • Appreciate the little things (like taking a shower or being able to get into your car).
  • Reach out to the home-bound (I know it’s obvious, but I’ve never had a physical injury before and so I just didn’t fully understand how isolating that can be and what that isolation does to a person)
  • Always be willing to start again
  • Learn to ask for help even when you aren’t sure you need it – it blesses you and the other person as well.
  • Trust in the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul and strength – because when you are not able, God’s strong hand will lift you up for another day.

I’m learning stress management over and over and over again. And that’s okay. I woke up this morning – another chance to get it right. God bless you all.

Missing Someone

ImageLast week I was feeling so happy and filled with gratitude that my boys had birthdays and are doing well. How is it that a week later, I’m feeling despondent?  I’m filled with grief. Stress. Worry.  I don’t expect it to last. But at this moment, as I’m writing, I’m deep in it.  I miss my boys so much. In a way, I still feel like I’ve lost them.

They are at the age when it’s right for young men to move on from their parents and make their own lives. That’s not quite how it happened though, is it?  They didn’t graduate high school and go to college and get a job out of town. I want to go back two years and erase it all and re-write the script and replay it the way it was supposed to be.

I feel selfish even writing this. There are parents out there who’s children are on the street or in hospitals or  who have died. My boys are in recovery and they send me birthday cards, give me a call now and then.

I miss them. I miss them so much. And I miss being able to hug my daughter who is right here in this house with me but stopped letting me hug her after the whole addiction mess played out. So the boys are now 20 and 22, and my daughter went to prom last night and will graduate high school in a couple of months and won’t let me hug her. And here I am.

I guess I can be sad and grieving and grateful and blessed all at the same time. That’s it then. That’s what I am right now – all of those things. Figuring out how to be “One Mom Talking” all on my own.  But, oh yes, you all are here. Thanks for that. Thanks for listening. God bless you.

The Happiest Birthdays!

Both of my boys have birthdays this month.  One turned 20 last week and the other turned 22 today.  I’m not close enough, geographically, to hug them.  But I cannot be more grateful to God than I am right here and now, being able to call them and wish them the happiest of birthdays.  Either God is real, or I am the luckiest person alive – having two sons with opiate addictions both in active recovery.  Amazing.  I choose God.

Haven’t Got Time for the Pain

So I’m driving home from NYC the other day, listening to a CD of 70s songs that my sister put together for me — so I’d have plenty of singing time on the 12 hour drive back to South Carolina.  This song came on.  I’ve always been a Carly Simon fan, and I started to sing along.  Then … wait a minute.  I started it over and really listened to the words.  I had never realized that this is a song about coming to know God.  This is a song about recovery and meditation and the peace that passes all understanding. I never heard it that way before – always thought it was about a person. 

So here you go, everyone.  A message for all of us.  Let’s open up to our Higher Power and choose healing.  I hope you have a blessed day.  Although I’m not here very often, I continue to keep you in my prayers.  God bless.

Permission

On facebook, I “Like” a page called “Positively Positive.”  I love the encouragement and plain ol’ good attitude this lady spreads to others. I particularly loved this blog entry called “Your Permission to Slip from the Universe.”  I am sure you will appreciate this, especially if you’re feeling like you need a little something *just for you*.  Click here: http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/03/19/permission/

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by onemomtalking: I took this photo recently at Brookgreen Gardens in Murrells Inlet, SC.

 

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Every Breath

Every Breath

I saw this on someone’s facebook page today and it resonated deeply, so I thought I’d share it here.

Prayers to you all, always.