Category Archives: Uncategorized

Just to follow up on my last post – we have confirmation that Al OD’d. I believe it’s because he had not been using for almost five months; so when he did finally use, his body couldn’t handle it.  It was his first payday since he started working.  He got a hefty check (from his perspective), and he had worked 40 hours in three days, so he was overtired and stressed.  There you have the ingredients for a slip.  And yes, right now we’re all calling it a “slip.”  One use after five months does not a relapse make.  It all depends what happens from here.

Thanks for your support everyone!  God bless!

The other day I went to the beach for a couple of hours.  Stopped at the store.  Went home.  Somewhere along the way I realized that I didn’t have my cell phone with me.  I realized it with a brief thought that came and went with no concern. 

Hallelujiah!  I have detached from my cell phone! 

When my boys were active in their addiction, I might as well have had that phone sewn onto my skin; I never let it leave my hands.  I was too worried I’d miss some all-important call.  Every call and every text seemed to carry life-and-death potential.  Of course I was exaggerating the urgency of it all, but clearly I wasn’t in control

Anyone else need a cell phone-ectomy?  Try it one day.  Tell it how much you care, and then leave it home.  Detaching with love.

I love this song and thought I’d share it.  Perhaps someone needs God’s touch tonight …

Today was a wonderful day.  The doorbell rang and there was the delivery man with a beautiful arrangement of flowers.  The card read, “We hope you like these flowers.  Thanks for being such a great mom.  We love you!!”  Signed by Dan and Al.  Oh yes I did cry!  The flowers are beautiful but the greatest gift is the note from the boys I thought I had lost.  Amen!

I started a new job this week at a local nonprofit organization.  I’ve done nonprofit work for a long time – fundraising, event planning, database management, donor relations, etc.  This job is as assistant to the executive director, and I hope it will grow to be something more, but…it’s not quite what I expected it to be.

I accepted the position at a low salary because that’s what today’s economy requires of me right now in my part of the world.  Fine.  I and my boss know that I am overqualified, which is okay too, as we discussed that I could grow from here into a more demanding position. 

What I didn’t expect was the level at which this man would attempt to micro-manage everything I do.  He watches over my shoulder as I open a file folder on my computer, open a document, alter the document, etc.  He reminds me to change the date on a letter, and just told me how to save a file in MSWord.  Um … I’ve been doing this for decades.

It’s a new job, and a new me.  In the past, I might have grinned and bared it until I couldn’t take it anymore, and then quit.  Not now.  I’ve learned some things as the mother of addicts.  I’ve learned about boundaries, thank goodness!  And about who I am and how much I’m capable of and how to speak up for myself. 

So tomorrow morning, my boss and I will have a chat.  He doesn’t know it yet, but we will.  I will be happy, polite, and even insert a bit of humor.  But I will also be firm and clear. 

I learned today that the person before me quit this job because she could not handle what she saw as condescension and insult from this man.  But I also heard she never confronted him about it.  And confrontation is too strong a word for me at this point.  We’ll just have that chat.  And we’ll see how it goes.

So today, I am grateful for this new job, and for the person I’ve become, in part because of what I’ve been through with my children over the past couple of years.  We learn to take the good and leave the rest.  God bless.

We all have been talking recently about the parents role in responding to the addict.  If you’re interested in reading the view of a recovering addict, please go here: http://lifeofadrugaddict.blogspot.com/2011/03/if-my-parents-raised-me-differently.html?showComment=1300733679558#c8955509583516753815

Read the whole thing.  Because if you stop halfway you might be tempted, like was, to think, “hey – this wasn’t all my fault!”  He covers that in the end.  It’s helpful reading.  Especially if you’re wondering whether or not to boot that addict out the door…

If you are active in this particular support community, you know that I did not make up the “MOA” term.  But I like it.  MOA = Mother of an Addict.  (credit: http://madyson007.wordpress.com). 

My strongest MOA sympton right now is a feeling of nervousness in the evenings.  Understand – I don’t live with my addicts anymore and they are both in recovery right now.  So the issues many of you are dealing with are not a direct part of my life at the moment.  And yet, still this hint of anxiety.  It starts as the day closes, and it centers around Al, who is living in a halfway house in another state (not near to me or his dad).  As the sun sets, I begin to feel that tightness in my belly.  As the day grows dark, the quiet thoughts sneak in:  “Maybe he’s thinking about using now.”  “Maybe he used today.” “Is he doing as well as he says he is?” “Where will he turn if he starts using in this new town?”

You are probably familiar with the train of thought. 

The good news is that I’m learning to stop the train before it speeds up enough to make it to the tunnel.  It sometimes turns from nervousness to mild fear, but it doesn’t make it all the way to full anxiety or terror.  It doesn’t keep me from sleeping anymore.  When I notice it beginning to chug-chug-chug, I turn to prayer.  I’m talking on-my-knees prayer.  Prayer and an encouraging Bible verse and my nightly gratitude list are enough to stop the train.

There is life after heroin.  God bless you all.

One of the greatest gifts of life is that we have a chance every day for a brand new start.  As long as we’re living, we have the opportunity to start again.  There’s no cap on how many times.  We aren’t born with five little “new start” tickets in our pockets (“Sorry, you used up your last new start when you were twelve”). 

Al began one more new start yesterday.  He did choose to stay out of Colorado and instead live at a halfway house in another state.  His dad drove him. 

Do we know what happens next?  No, we don’t.  But I’m grateful that he has this opportunity and that he’s grown strong enough and determined enough to give this new start a try.   God bless!

Everyone was very helpful in responding to my last comment.  Thanks!  Someone posed the ever-present question, “Don’t you think he can handle it himself?”  I always thought my answer was yes.  But I realize that, no, I wasn’t so sure he could handle anything himself.  Al’s always been a bit dependent on me.  And I am just now realizing how much I fed that dependence. 

When I called him to discuss his legal issues, I was all geared up to give him the bad news that I would not take care of this for him.  I never had the chance!  Because he took responsibility right away!  “I talked to my counselor about that this afternoon,” he said. “He’s going to help me contact the courts and set a new date so I don’t have to interrupt my rehab.” 

Every now and then I realize just how codependent I have been…and how much I enable and don’t even realize it!  We’re all learning.  And my most important lesson this week is: “Yes He Can!”

Sometimes the line between these two is very vague.  And sometimes it’s just me and my denial sitting down for afternoon tea.  I don’t know – so I’m asking your opinion.  Here’s the scenario:

Back in October, before Al’s first rehab stint, he shoplifted a $50 item from a store.  He got caught.  He went to court.  He was sentenced to one 8-hour class and told if he stays out of trouble for a year the charge would go away.  Also, the store sent him a fine for $250.  The class is in a week and the fine is coming due soon.  But, Al is in rehab in another state, and he cannot make long-distance calls for more than a few minutes.  (He can receive them, but not make them).

I want to (a) call the court and defer the class until after his rehab is over and (b) contact the store’s legal department and defer the paying of the fine until he can get out and talk to them himself and perhaps set up a payment plan.  I would make these initial calls for him.  I’m not trying to get him out of these things, but I want him to have a full rehab experience without having to leave rehab for three days to go back to colorado, take the class, and be driven back to Kansas.  Plus I don’t want him to be back in the old neighborhood any sooner than necessary.  That was part of the point of sending him so far away.

His dad says I’m enabling if I make these calls for him.  He says the addict has to handle all consequences himself … and if he gets in more trouble because he can’t make the appropriate calls from where he is, so be it.

We have about a week to decide our strategy.  So — opinions?  I’m polling the crowd!. (have a blessed day!)