One Mom Talking: The ongoing story of one mom, three teens, and heroin.

People have commented lately about my faith.  It’s both a gift and an ongoing choice.  It’s a gift you have to choose to unwrap every day – sometimes every hour.  Will you leave it sitting on the table looking pretty? Or open it up – knowing you’ll likely spill something on it or lose it in the laundry or leave it in the car… But also knowing that the next time you turn around, there it will be, brand new, sitting on the table again, wrapped and waiting for you to discover what’s inside. 

I had a long post sitting in my head today and wasn’t sure if I’d be able to articulate it well.  Then I stopped by another blog and there it was, waiting for me.  So instead of reinventing this particular wheel, I’ll just pass you on to a friend.  Please visit this post by another parent of another addict, walking our walk and talking our talk:  Mom Letting Go and Letting God. 

Update on the family:

• Al is either out on the street or in jail. Stole from his dad and his brother and took off. It was nice to have him back for awhile but so sad to watch him fall. Prayers for him please. Jail would be a saving grace for him right now.
• Dan is still doing well – probably close to 120 days clean out of jail. But he’s experiencing intense cravings. The old-timers in his groups tell him this is normal, that he just needs to push through them, which he is doing. He’s doing great at work and they are going to send him to management training! Praises for the miracles in his life!
• Lynn is up and down with her moods and anxiety. Part being a 16 year old girl, part living with the strain of heroin-addicted brothers. But she’s doing well in school and is relatively polite to me these days, so I’ll take it!
• Mike, the kids’ dad, is really stepping up to the plate. Have to give him credit. He has started a new Naranon group (right now there’s only one in their area). I’m so grateful for this.
• Me – I’m really doing ok. Surrounded by wonderful community in my church and here and my supportive family, and the strength of an omnipotent God. Amen!

That’s the update. More to come I’m sure. One mom talking. God bless.

Love this song by Casting Crowns.  My faith surely must be bigger than my circumstances.  The Bible tells us not to despair, but in all things give praise.  If we give in to despair, we are giving focus and energy to the thing that we despise.  Instead, in praise, we build up all that is good, healing, and comforting. 

We all have times of grieving.  Don’t get me wrong.  But the more we practice praise in the midst of grief, the more we are able to receive help, and to help ourselves and others.  Just a thought from me on this February morning as I pray for my son, my family, and all of you.

It’s late and I’m going to try to sleep now.  The news of the day is that my middle boy, Al – 18 y.o. – is using again.  His dad found evidence in his room and confronted him with it.  His dad asked him to come up with a plan of action.  Later, his dad found a note: “I don’t want to cause the family any more pain.  I’m taking off for a couple of days.  Don’t worry, I have someplace warm to sleep.  I’ll call you in a day or two.”   He took some clothes, a blanket, and $100.  It’s very cold and very snowy in Colorado right now. 

Yup.  I’m going to try to get some sleep.  I’m not ready to feel the fear.  Either that or I’m growing numb.  Because all i feel is tired.

But don’t despair.  God is bigger than my worries and bigger than Al’s addiction.  one day…one night at a time.  God bless.

I wrote lyrics once to a song called “Sunday Mornin’ Blues.”  Well, i’m feeling them today. 

Last summer, when I made the decision to move, one thing I left behind was my relationship with a man I really loved.  Actually, we were trying to keep it together.  He had family issues out west; I had family issues back east.  We’d take care of our families and then have time for each other again.

Well, yesterday – almost exactly two years after our first date – he TEXTED me to let me know that he’s dating other people, and he thought I should as well.  Ok.  I get that a long-distance relationship is difficult and maybe it was too much to expect we could keep it going.  But telling me BY TEXT??  We’re 50 years old – not 15!!  i don’t know if I’m more sad or angry. 

One more thing lost to the cause.  And know this – I still have hope and I’ll keep on going and I know that God has a bigger plan.  I’m just complaining and whining and saying it here because it feels good to get it out.  Thanks for listening!

On this beautiful, foggy, rainy Carolina morning, a friend’s post reminded me today that I really do believe in HOPE, and that good things happen with and without my help or involvement.  God does good things in people’s lives THROUGH me and DESPITE me!  Two of my early morning readings confirmed that as well.

• On helping others, Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change” reminds me that God’s timing isn’t always my timing:  “There is no magic wand that makes others ready for Al-Anon [read: “recovery” or “help”].  And it is presumptuous to assume that I have a better idea of their true path than they do.  Let me help those who want help…”
• On being used by God, in the Bible Study, “Living Your Life as a Beautiful Offering,” author Angela Thomas confirms that I don’t have to be perfect or special to be used by God.  She writes:  “Feeling kind of plain today?  Then you’re the kind of woman God’s looking for.  I am sitting on my bed, typing on my laptop. I have on gym shorts and a t-shirt. My three-day hair is in a ponytail, kind of…The dryer is buzzing. There are piles of laundry on the other side of the bed…My life is so very common, and yet, God can use a woman like me.”

All this to say that (1) we’re not in charge of other people’s lives BUT (2) we do have an effect on other people’s lives AND (3) we can be used by God just as we are!  So just for today I am putting down my worries, my expectations (for myself and others), and my self-doubts.  HOPE walks in unexpected ways and in unexpected places.

Thank you to A Mom’s Serious Blunder for sharing your walk and your honesty with me and all of us.  You help me by being here.  You all help me by being here.  God Bless!

My daughter is missing her second day of school in a row because she can’t get out of bed in the morning.  Her depression and anxiety has worsened.  She wakes up crying.  She’s in her bed right now, wrapped up in a blanket, like a little bird in hiding.  I’ve contacted the counselor at her high school and the folks at our local mental health center.  Please keep her in your prayers.  Thanks very much.

You know this story.  He lies.  He lies.  He lies.  Then, recovery!  He’s honest.  He’s honest.  He’s honest.  Then, relapse!  He lies. He lies…

My son, Al, visited recently and I was so happy.  He looks good.  He’s sleeping well and eating regularly.  He’s gained 20 lbs!  He was helpful and we had good conversation.  He helped me in the kitchen and taught his sister a new card game. 

Then I got a call from my ex.  “I went to change his bedding and found another balloon and syringe behind the bed.” 

The thing about this is — what’s true?  Al says that was left over from his last relapse.  This could very well be true.  No one had moved the bed since that time.  And when using, he certainly didn’t pay attention to where he put things, so it’s reasonable that he didn’t remember it was there until it was found.

And then there’s that tug in the pit of your stomach saying…”He might be lying.”  I hate how the lies that support addiction make it so very hard to believe the addict in recovery.  At the time when he can most use people to believe him … when he is really being honest … we just cannot help but doubt.

In his article, “Addiction, Lies and Relationship” (http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html), pscyhologist Floyd P. Garrett writes: 

The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.

This is one of the hardest things about addiction for me to handle.  There are a few things I purposefully taught my children when they were young, in an effort to give them tools for adulthood.  One of them was: “Be honest.  The truth will clear your path.”  I warned them of the danger of lies — that lying to others and lying to yourself is pretty much the same thing.  That an honest life is a worthy goal.  And then here comes addiction – stealing the truth to feed its own growth.

I pray often about this, asking God to defend the truth in my children.  But I still don’t know about Al.  I think he was being honest.  But only time will tell.

When I was packing to move from Colorado to South Carolina last summer, I came upon a box filled with my journals.  There were diaries from my teen years, as well as journals from the years leading up to my divorce, and more recent writings as well.  Flipping through these glances into my own history, written in my own words, I was struck by the view of my own life journey — how much I had been through and how far I have come! 

Today, on this blog, I had a comment from someone who had read my whole story here – from the first post going forward.  So I decided to do the same.  I started this blog in September of 2009; almost a year and a half ago.  That’s not a very long time, but reading my words from those first few months, I feel like I’m peeking in on someone else’s life.  It feels like that was *so* long ago!  Things that were brand new to me then do feel like a somewhat normal part of my life now. 

Journaling the journey, as the parent of heroin addicts, has been helpful in the day to day walk.  I’m also pleased to be helped by reading back and seeing that I have, indeed, grown.  I have found some serenity (not 24-7, but fairly regular).  I know more than I ever wanted to know about addiction.  I have learned to love my boys despite my hate for their addiction.  I’ve learned that addiction is a disease – and a family disease at that.  I’ve learned about my own codependent behavior and taken steps to live a more healthy life.

Journal your journey – words like photographs reflecting your own growth.  A gift worth giving.