One Man’s Journey

Posted on April 8, 2010 | 7 comments

So my son’s life is his journey.  In don’t know his purpose.  I don’t know God’s plan for him — the details I mean.  Here I am awake at almost 1AM.  Can’t help it.  Can’t sleep.  He’s out there somewhere.   But I’m praying to let it go.  Because I don’t know his journey, his purpose, God’s plan.  There are so many possibilities.  Just as Jesus went to his death to give us life, so perhaps my son walks a death path to provide something that I cannot imagine … somehow.  If he comes out of it, he might save others with his testimony.  Or, among his drug-user friends, he might say something that turns someone else around.  Or his example stops others from going to drugs.  I have to find meaning in what feels meaningless.  And only God can provide that.

I have so much to say and yet so little.  My heart is breaking and I’m numb.  I know what’s right and think that nothing is right.  I miss my son and hope he stays away and I want him home.  Yep.  One big bundle of everything. 

Tomorrow, I will take a walk in the sun and live fully.  It’s the only real choice.

God bless.

7 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Codependency, God, Heroin, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story

“Hope” — a poem

Posted on April 2, 2010 | 4 comments

I have a kinship with poet Emily Dickinson.  Here’s one of her pieces on HOPE.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –

by Emily Dickinson

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –

 

And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –

 

I’ve heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet – never – in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of me.

4 Comments

Posted in Hope

Takin’ it to the streets…

Posted on March 31, 2010 | 14 comments

Some of you have been living with this already, I know.  Last night Dan’s dad had to let him go to the streets.  We discovered he has taken things from our homes to pawn to get drug money.  We drew that boundary awhile ago — steal from us and you’re out.  So he’s  out.  I guess I can be thankful the snow is gone and we’re having warm weather.  Last time we kicked him out he lived in his car.  But now he has no car…and no phone.  So he’s out there somewhere.  Takin’ it to the streets. 

p.s. This Sunday, Easter Day, will be one year since that first phone call from the police — the first time I heard the word “heroin” in connection to my boy.  Interesting timing.

Prayers to all.  And much love.  And God’s blessings in whatever form they need to take to let you know that we are not alone.  XOXO

14 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Addiction, Codependency, Fear, Heroin, Parent of addict, Relapse, The Ongoing Story

Happy Birthday, Dan (Part II)

Posted on March 28, 2010 | 4 comments

Writing to wish my boy an honest “Happy Birthday.”  I am glad he’s alive.  And I have not lost hope.  Just forget where I put it now and then…

4 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Parent of addict

Happy Birthday, Danny

Posted on March 28, 2010 | 6 comments

Dan turned 20 yesterday.  See how this cake is a little wobbly?  It’s an appropriate image for how we all felt yesterday — Dan included.  We all planned to go out to dinner — his father, brother, sister and I, plus Dan and his girlfriend.  We planned to leave at 7PM.  Dan went out at 2:00 with a friend.  tick.  tick.  tick.  Seven o’clock and no Dan.  7:15.  At 7:20 he comes in the door.  No explanation.  A mumbled “sorry.”  His sister had already given up and gone out with her friends, and his girlfriend wasn’t with him.  So four of us went.  Awkward. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am, in my deepest heart, thankful for another birthday.  But seeing the tracks on his arms … it was hard to feel any mood of celebration. 

Heppy Birthday, Danny my boy.

6 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Addiction, Heroin, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story

Blog Recommendation (on a whole other topic)

Posted on March 27, 2010 | Leave a comment

I have dear friends, a couple, whose baby was stillborn.  To work through her grief, the mom, Rebecca, has started an organization “Knits of Grief” and a blog in support of other families who suffer this terrible type of loss.  I want to support her by giving her a little boost here.  Just as we, as parents of addicts, help each other along via blogland, so she will do the same.  If you know anyone who might need this type of support, please pass this along.  Even if you don’t, if you’re touched by the blog, Rebecca’s writing, or this topic, I’d appreciate a little help for her by spreading the word:  http://knitsofgrief.blogspot.com/.   THANKS!

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Posted in Uncategorized

I get by with a little help …

Posted on March 21, 2010 | 3 comments

Had a tough day.  A few extra demands on my energy at church, of all places, and I lost it.  Happily, my friends came to the rescue, at church and after.  Ready to get a good night’s sleep now.  Glad to not be going it alone.    And in honor of my allies, here’s a little stroll down memory lane:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmOtWyjs8iU

3 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Blogroll

Posted on March 21, 2010 | 3 comments

I really want to have one of those Blogroll thingies with the little pics of everyone on my sidebar like all you Blogspot people have, but I can’t figure out how to get it on here.  If anyone can help, send me a message.  Please and thank you.   (Don’t you love my tech-speak?)

3 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

So Many Needs, So Little Time

Posted on March 21, 2010 | 3 comments

I’m thinking Garbo.  Just wanna be alone.  Not the first to say it, not the last.  I’m in the mood to be a drama queen.  “Hey folks, over here!  Look at me!”  How about a little help over in this direction?

I almost cracked on Friday night.  It was like this:  My ex-husband called me and asked me to come over to his house to talk about Dan.  Dan (my addict boy) has been living full-time with his dad.  So i said sure and went over.  On the way there, my middle boy, Al, called.  His car was stuck on a highway in the snow storm during rush hour.  He was 30 miles from the house.  Could I come and pick him up?  No.  Then a few minutes into the chat with the ex, Dan called.  He was with a friend driving to pick up the friend’s mom and their car slid on the ice and hit another car.  Could I come and pick them up?  No.  Then my boyfriend texted, “Get dressed honey, I’m on my way and let’s get some italian and a glass of wine!  Yay!”  Then there was my ex in front of me, “So I need some advice, I just don’t know what to do with him anymore…”  And in the midst of all of THAT, my daughter (15) texts and asks when I will be home because I promised to make her a grilled cheese sandwich and she’s hungry.  MAKE IT YOURSELF!!! 

I just want to be alone. 

Now it’s Sunday  morning and I’m feeling better.  But Friday night…I hit overload.  And you know what?  My daughter got herself something to eat.  Al got his car off the highway, and someone stopped and helped him get going again.  Dan told his friend he’d have to handle things on his own and walked home to talk with me and his dad.  My boyfriend didn’t wait for me and went home.  And my ex cooked a dinner so that I would have something to eat.  Sometimes saying no is the best thing.

I still haven’t had any time alone.  And I still want it.  I still sometimes want to throw a little fit so someone will stop and take care of me for a change.  But that’s okay.  This is a long, hard road sometimes, and I don’t have to be perfect.  How about you?

3 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story

Back to HOPE

Posted on March 20, 2010 | 4 comments

Thank you to everyone who responded with reminders of Hope after my last post.  I do realize that where there is breath, there is hope.  Even beyond this life, there is Hope.  Sometimes we get tired.  Sad.  Lost.  And yet God remains, and Hope shines through. 

Today we celebrate my middle boy’s 18th birthday.  Hope alive.  God bless you all!

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Posted in Uncategorized