With Dan, it’s been a series of unfortunate events lately. He used a second time since rehab, and he got back to recovery after. That’s twice. But then yesterday, he was in a car accident. It wasn’t his fault; some guy ran a red light. And then today, I guess his car was such a wreck already … then the accident …. today he was driving down the highway and the hood just fell off his car! Then he found out he was overdrawn at the bank. And then he got fired from his job. The good news is that amidst all of that, he did not use. But I worry that he will tomorrow or the next day. He sees no hope. His eyes looked so vacant.
I’m going to sleep now. But I sure wish I had some real hope to give him.
Greetings Everyone! My apologies for being gone so long; and thanks to those who have checked up on me these past couple of weeks. I have been doing ok, but just taking refuge in God’s love, my real-time friends, my family, and on-line word games, lol. One of those times when I tired of my addict-mom i.d. and needed a break from the computer screen. Missed you all though…and always keep you in my prayers.
Update: my son relapsed last week and ended up in the hospital. The police found him, during his break from work, passed out in his car in the mall parking lot. They brought him to the hospital. They did not arrest him, thank God. And he is fine. He did not lose his job — another miracle. Seems people are now trying to help him move forward. Even those who don’t know him well. Angels on earth.
Good news: Yesterday Dan sat before a Community Corrections board (picture big long wooden conference table with suited community leaders on one side and Dan on the other, ha). He must have done well because they approved his entrance into a Diversion Program. Two years supervision and if he does well, he moves forward with a clean record! No felony record! He is so very excited and this is a great motivation for him, and confirmation that all adults/the corrections system are not out to get him, but are trying to help. So please keep those prayers coming!
That’s all for now. Be well. Pray often. Stand in the sunshine (we have some sunshine in Colorado today). And be generous with Love. God bless!
Oh yes, I mean this literally and figuratively. Not meaning to take His name in vein or anything but My Son Dan Starts Training For His New Job Today and all I can say is “THANK GOD!!”Seriously, I am truly grateful. This is an important step for my son in his recovery. It will (a) give him something to do with his days, (b) provide him with money so he can do other things he’s interested in and/or go back to school, (c) build his self-esteem as he succeeds in his tasks. It’s a starter job, no doubt — that’s just fine. He was afraid that he would not be hired since he is dealing with some legal issues. But apparently he passed his drug test (YAY) and now he is employed!
And while I’m on the subject of thankfulness, if you’re ever feeling down, just do a google search for “Thankful” — either a site search or images. There are many blogs and websites dedicated to gratitude and they are all quite cheery.
I’m too late for this, but I thought it was a great idea, so I’m posting this anyway. Chris, writer of “Enchanted Oak” blog, challenged bloggers to post a list of simple things that make us happy. For every list posted before midnight LAST NIGHT, she promised to contribute $2 to needs in Haiti. Cool idea! Here’s the link to her blog: http://chrisalba-enchantedoak.blogspot.com/. Please visit her. She’s doing good stuff and I want to encourage that. And, just as a way to start my day off with a bit of sunshine, here’s my list for right now:
Hugs from my kids
My silly little dogs snuggling by me at night
The smell of cinnamon
Candlelight
Playing the piano
A glass of wine at the end of a long day
My morning radio DJs who always make me laugh!
Have a great day, my friends!! And post your own list — just because you can 🙂
I appreciate you ladies who chimed in on my last post! I’m allowing my mind to clear, dispelling the fear, and letting my imagination draw up scenes of what I really hope for in my own life. These are pictures of where I hope to be in the not-too-distant future.
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Do you ever get tired of decisionmaking? Sheesh.
This is a heavy topic for me right now because I’m stuck in a state of indecision … because I feel like this particular decision holds heavy weight for many people. I expect the truth is that it holds heavy weight for me. I don’t have a clear perspective. I’m a recovering codependent — used to thinking that my decisions have the ability to keep things together…or break them apart not only for me, but for those close to me as well.
What’s this all about? A move. I want to move. We’re not talking two towns over or even to a neighboring state. I want to move almost 2000 miles from my current location back to where my mom and dad and sister and cousins and other friends live. I want to be on the coast, at the ocean’s edge. The place on this earth that my heart cries for. I want to move there with my daughter, who wants to be near the women in the family and who yearns for a new beginning after a couple of very difficult years. I want this.
I want to be near my mother as she ages but while she’s still vibrantly alive. I don’t want to wait until the doctor calls and suggests I come take care of my mother on her deathbed. I don’t want to wait for that.
And yet … my boys are 18 and 20 — not so independent yet. Especially Dan, who is doing great in recovery so far. Three weeks out of rehab and still clean. A job pending. Court appearances still to come. Al, 18, his life on solid ground for the first time in a long time. He could actually join in the move or not, but Dan has no choice because of court. He cannot move, probably for a year or two. He would have to stay back with this dad. And when I talked with him he said, “Don’t move away! I already have no friends…” (He can’t socialize with his old friends due to their partying and his addiction). “I can’t imagine you not being close by!”
And on top of that my job — where I finally have a boss who is teaching me and encouraging me and helping me to grow in our business and become more of the leader I want to be.
Here I am. Stuck. Trying to think of a way to make everybody happy and to move forward without any negative consequence. Or to stay put … again … so that I will not bear the responsibility of initiating potentially hurtful change. But in that, sacrificing my own yearning. And my mother’s. And my daughter’s.
Ah yes — awake at 4AM and singing, “Clowns to the left of me. Jokers to the right. Here I am: Stuck in the middle with you.”
Friends: A few of you suggested Scripture in regard to guarding our hearts. I have read these words and realize there is always a balance — guard our hearts in an earthly manner, but do not be discouraged, since God is at work in all that we see, and we do not know His reasons or His eternal perspective. Here are two verses for you. And at the end, some music to give you strength and hope!
Advice from Proverbs 4:
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
And mighty encouragement from 2Chronicles, Chapter 20:
13 As all the men of Judah stood before the Lord with their little ones, wives, and children, 14 the Spirit of the Lord came upon one of the men standing there. His name was Jahaziel son of Zechariah, son of Benaiah, son of Jeiel, son of Mattaniah, a Levite who was a descendant of Asaph.
15 He said, “Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. 17 But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”
When you are feeling unsure of Victory, play this and sing along!
Dan has been out of rehab for ten days now and seems to be doing well. And yet I am still tense. Today I thought “you can let your guard down now” and the meaning of that phrase hit me strongly. I realize I’m not ready to let my guard down. I want that guard standing watch!
I need steady reminders that God is my Guard and is always standing watch. And yet, I still feel that I need to be vigilant in my household. I wish I could say that I really miss Dan and that I want him to come back to this house. I miss him a little, but if he came over just for dinner once a week, that’s really ok for me right now.
My daughter, Cathy, is 15. She has been on the couch for three days now with an injured hip. (Find story in earlier post “Family Night?”) The pain meds are not helping.
The weird thing is … there is no bruise at all. How could that be??
The other issue: my daughter is 5’6″ and 105 lbs. Most women in my family are tall and thin, so that’s not so strange. But she has awful eating habits. She doesn’t like to sit at the table for dinner. She eats mostly sugar and carbs (bread, noodles, some cereal). She eats dry packets of instant oatmeal. Ew.
Today I went in her purse to get her ipod headphones for her. I found a plastic sandwich bag with stool softeners. They are the over-the-counter type. Generic. I can imagine that she might need them due to the lack of fiber in her diet. But I also worry about eating disorders. This isn’t the best time to deal with it, with the hip issue going on. But I’m not sure what to do next with her. Certainly she’s been under a lot of stress, like alls of us, with the drug issues that went on here over the past year with her brothers.
Just needed to type it out. As I type, I’m seeing a situation that calls for mild intervention. Maybe the school counselor. Maybe teen alanon. Maybe a few sessions with a private counselor if I can get her to go.
One thing I don’t like about this blogging process is that the beginning of the story can get lost. That’s okay for me, myself and I. But part of the purpose of this is to support others who are just starting the walk. I know you could find your way to the beginning of my story if you tried. But I’d like to make it easy.
To that end, here is the link to my very first post here. It feels like such a long, long time ago…
One Mom Talking: The ongoing story of one mom, three teens, and heroin. 