Category Archives: Uncategorized

    Today is Dan’s day in court and this is how I’m feeling about it!  Ha!  Yes, just a little intimidated!  Right now, as I type this, he is having his sentencing hearing.  And I feel so bad that I’m not there.  I know that it’s okay that I’m not there.  I know that my absence from that courtroom is significant because it emphasizes the results of his drug use.  It demonstrates that there are losses to him as a result of his behavior; not just through the court system … but personal, family losses … like not having his mother show up in court.

I have been there for all of his other court hearings.  I always wanted him to be able to look out and see my face — know that I was loving and supporting him.  This time, he’ll have to know it somewhere in his heart. 

But I still feel sad, and a little scared and, well, you all know what I mean.  I feel like inventing a new set of words to describe the emotional storms we experience as parents of addicts.  So, anyway, I’ll report in when I find out the results. 

Your friend,
Kay

See that title?  “Thank God” — that’s what I’m doing this morning.  It was good for me to vent out all of my worries here last night.  This morning I did my Bible study and went to church (found a church here in SC that I like lots).  Conveniently, the pastor taught about giving your troubles to God, knowing that pain and suffering are part of life.  Knowing that a life with God doesn’t mean we won’t experience those things – but instead assures us that (a) they are temporary and (b) we will never experience them alone. 

The song I sang this morning with gusto, and with my hands in the air:

I’m trading my sorrows
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying them down for the Joy of the Lord.
I’m trading my sickness
I’m trading my pain
I’m laying them down for the Joy of the Lord.

I tried to attached the video but it’s not working.  If you want to see it, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXi5iq1zAl4&feature=related.  God bless!

I’ve been gone awhile.  I moved across the country with my daughter.  Packing up the house was hard.  I didn’t do a good job of it.  And if friends hadn’t shown up and pushed it along, I never would have been out by my target date.  I left stuff there.  I threw away so much.  I have so little.  Materially, I’m pretty darn broke.

I think the move was right.  I think this is the right thing for my daughter and probably even for me.  I walked a mile along the shore of the Atlantic earlier this evening and felt something that I think was PEACE.  But it didn’t last long.

I made the mistake of watching a Lifetime movie tonight.  Why do I do that?  It was about high school kids who were partying too much and one of them ended up killing a man who came in to break up the party.  Of course this brought back vivid memories of when my house was the party house.  Memories and guilt and sadness and that overall feeling of cluelessness.  You know:  HOW DID I NOT COMPREHEND THE DANGER??  WHY DID I NOT STOP THEM??

I’ll tell you … I need a group.   But Al-Anon just doesn’t seem to do it for me.  I should probably go anyway.  I probably should.

Tonight I’m just one mom talking, as I’ve always been.  Now that we’re away from it all and attempting to create a “normal” life, I realize that there is no such thing.  Or that this is it.  It doesn’t go away.  I want to get my daughter into some kind of program but she has put up such a wall.  She’s just starting to relax a little, even around me.  I think I should let her settle in.  Not push.  And then I get back to that doubt about my own ability to have a clue what to do for her.  Tired.

Really, I don’t mean to sound completely down.  I’ve had some very good days these past few weeks.  Including a letter from Dan.  He is back in jail after a relapse at rehab.  He voluntarily put himself back in jail though – which is a good sign.  He didn’t want to risk using again.  So he’s been clean since sometime in may except for that one slip.  His sentencing is scheduled for 9/7.  They will likely let him out on probation.  He will probably stay at his dad’s house again.  I am across the country, but the idea of that still frightens me on several levels:  The possibility of him using again, the effects on Al who has been living with his dad now that I’ve moved, and the effects on their dad who is trying to shoulder a lot by allowing Dan back in the house.  And me and my daughter, who will just always have that wonder in the back of our minds when the phone rings.  Will it be the bad news this time?

It’s 11:30PM and I am going to try to sleep.  I have been sleeping well.  Thank goodness.  But maybe not tonight.  Feeling it a little heavy tonight.  Glad to vent here.  God bless!

Just thinking of David Bowie!

Anyway CHANGES are in the works around here.  I’m packing, packing, packing.  It’s always a bigger job than I expect.  Another drawer, another closet … where did all of this stuff come from?

Going to visit Dan tonight at rehab.  He’s doing good so far.  He’s been there two weeks tomorrow.  He does physical work outside on the grounds for eight hours a day, six days a week.  I thought they had NA or AA meetings, but he’s not in that.  He just works, works, works, and goes to Bible study, plays basketball, chess and cards, and sleeps.  He says it’s good.  He has to do this work for three months to prove that he’s serious about the program and then he’ll actually be in “the program.”  Interesting.  I gave him my guitar.  I got scared thinking maybe he’d leave the facility and sell the guitar for drugs.  But he has not.  Hooray.  So combine this two weeks with the nine or so he was in jail — he’s been clean almost three months.  Longest time in a long time. 

In the meantime, I leave in a few days for my new home.  Scary leaving Dan and his brother here.  But they are becoming men.  And I am taking care of my daughter.  Looking forward to the road trip.  My sister is flying out to take that trip.  Three ladies in a car across country should be fun.  If I can just finish cleaning out this house!

Okay…gotta go.  Check in with you all when I’m settled on the east coast!

Seems like a simple, all-American activity — The Yard Sale.  I’m having one this weekend, selling much of what I own to raise money for my move across to the East Coast.  It has not been a simple process for me.

My ADD issues aside (“What do I do with all these items??”), this is an emotional process.  I sort slowly, reminiscing about a book or a set of DVDs or a game I played with my kids when they were little and simple games held their interest. 

I’m closing a chapter of my life, and it’s time to release the “stuff” that I gathered along that path — a good, cleansing process.  But like the cleaning of a wound:  a sting before the pain subsides.

A yard sale on 4th of July weekend.  God Bless the USA!  ~Kay

I haven’t been sleeping well this week.  There is so much on my  mind and heart.  You all know how it is.  I’ve got a bundle right now.  Perhaps listing them here will help me rest:

1. My daughter and I are definitely moving from the midwest to the east coast — in about two months.  LOTS to think about there.
2. I need to get money from my ex before we go (an amount he owes me as part of the divorce agreement).  And then I need to tell him I”m moving his daughter just a little far away…
3. I haven’t seen Dan since he went to jail a week ago (or was it two weeks?  yep, two weeks I think).  The police automatically put a restraining order in place, which says we are not allowed to communicate.  I’m going to try sending a letter to him anyway, just so he knows I care.
4. Found out tonight that Dan’s dad (my ex) is considering bailing him out!  THIS is what has me awake tonight.  He asked my opinion, and, um, I said NO.  I know he (my ex) wants to believe that dan will stay in rehab this time.  I cannot agree.
5. My boyfriend and I are sad that we will be very far apart, and unsure of what to do about our relationship when I move.
6. Oh…That’s all for now.

BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel, which you also know (or you will know someday).  And for me, it’s that even if physical rest escapes me right now, I have spiritual rest and relief.  When I cannot do for myself; God does for me.  When I cannot find my own rest, I receive the peace that passes all understanding in the deepest part of my soul.  When I cannot pray, the Holy Spirit cries out for me.  And when I just have nothing more to give, God holds me gently until I can walk again.

I wish you all a blessed weekend.  May you know the light of God’s love wherever you walk.

Your friend and journey companion,
Kay

We discovered more items stolen last night.  We can’t quite figure out how he got in the house (we already had the locks changed).  We locked windows…and then they were unlocked…which you really can only do from inside the house.  Either he has a sidekick, or he figured a way to work the lock from the outside.

We reported the robbery last night at midnight.  My ex came over.  The sheriff’s deputies came over.  We gave them a list.  Since the total value of the items stolen is over $1000, it’s felony burglary.  Got word at 7AM this morning that Dan was arrested early this morning. 

Felony Count #1:  Burglary
Felony Count #2:  Possession of Schedule 2 drug
Felony Count #3:  Possession of Schedule 3 drug

Three strikes.  He’s out.  At least my daughter doesn’t have to be afraid to be home alone anymore.  And we can stop hiding our possessions.  And he’ll detox in jail again.  Guess he asked for it.  I don’t feel guilty.  But I don’t feel glad either.  Kind of numb right now…and I’m off to work.

I’m grateful that God is God.  Because I can’t do this alone.