Some of you have been living with this already, I know. Last night Dan’s dad had to let him go to the streets. We discovered he has taken things from our homes to pawn to get drug money. We drew that boundary awhile ago — steal from us and you’re out. So he’s out. I guess I can be thankful the snow is gone and we’re having warm weather. Last time we kicked him out he lived in his car. But now he has no car…and no phone. So he’s out there somewhere. Takin’ it to the streets.
p.s. This Sunday, Easter Day, will be one year since that first phone call from the police — the first time I heard the word “heroin” in connection to my boy. Interesting timing.
Prayers to all. And much love. And God’s blessings in whatever form they need to take to let you know that we are not alone. XOXO
Dan turned 20 yesterday. See how this cake is a little wobbly? It’s an appropriate image for how we all felt yesterday — Dan included. We all planned to go out to dinner — his father, brother, sister and I, plus Dan and his girlfriend. We planned to leave at 7PM. Dan went out at 2:00 with a friend. tick. tick. tick. Seven o’clock and no Dan. 7:15. At 7:20 he comes in the door. No explanation. A mumbled “sorry.” His sister had already given up and gone out with her friends, and his girlfriend wasn’t with him. So four of us went. Awkward.
Don’t get me wrong, I am, in my deepest heart, thankful for another birthday. But seeing the tracks on his arms … it was hard to feel any mood of celebration.
I’m thinking Garbo. Just wanna be alone. Not the first to say it, not the last. I’m in the mood to be a drama queen. “Hey folks, over here! Look at me!” How about a little help over in this direction?
I almost cracked on Friday night. It was like this: My ex-husband called me and asked me to come over to his house to talk about Dan. Dan (my addict boy) has been living full-time with his dad. So i said sure and went over. On the way there, my middle boy, Al, called. His car was stuck on a highway in the snow storm during rush hour. He was 30 miles from the house. Could I come and pick him up? No. Then a few minutes into the chat with the ex, Dan called. He was with a friend driving to pick up the friend’s mom and their car slid on the ice and hit another car. Could I come and pick them up? No. Then my boyfriend texted, “Get dressed honey, I’m on my way and let’s get some italian and a glass of wine! Yay!” Then there was my ex in front of me, “So I need some advice, I just don’t know what to do with him anymore…” And in the midst of all of THAT, my daughter (15) texts and asks when I will be home because I promised to make her a grilled cheese sandwich and she’s hungry. MAKE IT YOURSELF!!!
I just want to be alone.
Now it’s Sunday morning and I’m feeling better. But Friday night…I hit overload. And you know what? My daughter got herself something to eat. Al got his car off the highway, and someone stopped and helped him get going again. Dan told his friend he’d have to handle things on his own and walked home to talk with me and his dad. My boyfriend didn’t wait for me and went home. And my ex cooked a dinner so that I would have something to eat. Sometimes saying no is the best thing.
I still haven’t had any time alone. And I still want it. I still sometimes want to throw a little fit so someone will stop and take care of me for a change. But that’s okay. This is a long, hard road sometimes, and I don’t have to be perfect. How about you?
Oh yes, I mean this literally and figuratively. Not meaning to take His name in vein or anything but My Son Dan Starts Training For His New Job Today and all I can say is “THANK GOD!!”Seriously, I am truly grateful. This is an important step for my son in his recovery. It will (a) give him something to do with his days, (b) provide him with money so he can do other things he’s interested in and/or go back to school, (c) build his self-esteem as he succeeds in his tasks. It’s a starter job, no doubt — that’s just fine. He was afraid that he would not be hired since he is dealing with some legal issues. But apparently he passed his drug test (YAY) and now he is employed!
And while I’m on the subject of thankfulness, if you’re ever feeling down, just do a google search for “Thankful” — either a site search or images. There are many blogs and websites dedicated to gratitude and they are all quite cheery.
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Do you ever get tired of decisionmaking? Sheesh.
This is a heavy topic for me right now because I’m stuck in a state of indecision … because I feel like this particular decision holds heavy weight for many people. I expect the truth is that it holds heavy weight for me. I don’t have a clear perspective. I’m a recovering codependent — used to thinking that my decisions have the ability to keep things together…or break them apart not only for me, but for those close to me as well.
What’s this all about? A move. I want to move. We’re not talking two towns over or even to a neighboring state. I want to move almost 2000 miles from my current location back to where my mom and dad and sister and cousins and other friends live. I want to be on the coast, at the ocean’s edge. The place on this earth that my heart cries for. I want to move there with my daughter, who wants to be near the women in the family and who yearns for a new beginning after a couple of very difficult years. I want this.
I want to be near my mother as she ages but while she’s still vibrantly alive. I don’t want to wait until the doctor calls and suggests I come take care of my mother on her deathbed. I don’t want to wait for that.
And yet … my boys are 18 and 20 — not so independent yet. Especially Dan, who is doing great in recovery so far. Three weeks out of rehab and still clean. A job pending. Court appearances still to come. Al, 18, his life on solid ground for the first time in a long time. He could actually join in the move or not, but Dan has no choice because of court. He cannot move, probably for a year or two. He would have to stay back with this dad. And when I talked with him he said, “Don’t move away! I already have no friends…” (He can’t socialize with his old friends due to their partying and his addiction). “I can’t imagine you not being close by!”
And on top of that my job — where I finally have a boss who is teaching me and encouraging me and helping me to grow in our business and become more of the leader I want to be.
Here I am. Stuck. Trying to think of a way to make everybody happy and to move forward without any negative consequence. Or to stay put … again … so that I will not bear the responsibility of initiating potentially hurtful change. But in that, sacrificing my own yearning. And my mother’s. And my daughter’s.
Ah yes — awake at 4AM and singing, “Clowns to the left of me. Jokers to the right. Here I am: Stuck in the middle with you.”
Friends: A few of you suggested Scripture in regard to guarding our hearts. I have read these words and realize there is always a balance — guard our hearts in an earthly manner, but do not be discouraged, since God is at work in all that we see, and we do not know His reasons or His eternal perspective. Here are two verses for you. And at the end, some music to give you strength and hope!
Advice from Proverbs 4:
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
And mighty encouragement from 2Chronicles, Chapter 20:
13 As all the men of Judah stood before the Lord with their little ones, wives, and children, 14 the Spirit of the Lord came upon one of the men standing there. His name was Jahaziel son of Zechariah, son of Benaiah, son of Jeiel, son of Mattaniah, a Levite who was a descendant of Asaph.
15 He said, “Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. 17 But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”
When you are feeling unsure of Victory, play this and sing along!
But waiting for the results, that’s a challenge. My son took his first UA (urine analysis) since being out of rehab. I think it was two days ago. He has given permission for his case worker to give results to his dad. No word yet.
Yes, this turned out to be a family night — but not the playing-games-around-the-table kind.
My daughter took a fall today. She lost her key and couldn’t get in the house after school. So she tried to climb in the bathroom window. Unfortunately, she lost her balance and fell, hip first, into the bathtub. She did not call me, but rather sat in miserable pain until I got home from work, three hours later.
In the end, my daughter, my ex-husband and I spent five hours in the ER. Meanwhile, my 17 y.o. son (Al) has developed anxiety about being home alone. So my oldest (the addict) invited Al over to their dad’s and they kept each other company. This is a good thing!
Cathy does not have a fracture, but rather a hip contusion. The doc said she will be sore for a week to ten days, and should stay home from school tomorrow and Friday, on the couch to rest it.
So that was our family night. And now it’s 12:26AM. Hopefully I will get to sleep soon. Goodnight All (or “Good Morning”)!
Or in this case “NIMFY” (Not in my front yard) or “NOMS” (Not on my street)!
I got home from choir practice tonight to find Dan’s car parked out in front of my house with him and five of his “old” friends sitting in it. I recognized those faces. And the scene seriously triggered panic in my soul. I texted him “I thought you weren’t going to hang out with those people anymore and WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE?” Anyway, he went back to his dad’s and called me (at my request) to talk about it.
I said, “You might not remember much about the last six months but I remember everything. I love you and I want you to be well. If you are going to break your own rule and associate with those people, do not do it in front of my house please.” He apologized. Said he is fine. My stomach is nauseous and I’m still awake at 11:45PM. So easily disturbed, I am.
Some of you have been living with this already, I know. Last night Dan’s dad had to let him go to the streets. We discovered he has taken things from our homes to pawn to get drug money. We drew that boundary awhile ago — steal from us and you’re out. So he’s out. I guess I can be thankful the snow is gone and we’re having warm weather. Last time we kicked him out he lived in his car. But now he has no car…and no phone. So he’s out there somewhere. Takin’ it to the streets. 
One Mom Talking: The ongoing story of one mom, three teens, and heroin. 