One Mom Talking: The ongoing story of one mom, three teens, and heroin.

We all have been talking recently about the parents role in responding to the addict.  If you’re interested in reading the view of a recovering addict, please go here: http://lifeofadrugaddict.blogspot.com/2011/03/if-my-parents-raised-me-differently.html?showComment=1300733679558#c8955509583516753815

Read the whole thing.  Because if you stop halfway you might be tempted, like was, to think, “hey – this wasn’t all my fault!”  He covers that in the end.  It’s helpful reading.  Especially if you’re wondering whether or not to boot that addict out the door…

If you are active in this particular support community, you know that I did not make up the “MOA” term.  But I like it.  MOA = Mother of an Addict.  (credit: http://madyson007.wordpress.com). 

My strongest MOA sympton right now is a feeling of nervousness in the evenings.  Understand – I don’t live with my addicts anymore and they are both in recovery right now.  So the issues many of you are dealing with are not a direct part of my life at the moment.  And yet, still this hint of anxiety.  It starts as the day closes, and it centers around Al, who is living in a halfway house in another state (not near to me or his dad).  As the sun sets, I begin to feel that tightness in my belly.  As the day grows dark, the quiet thoughts sneak in:  “Maybe he’s thinking about using now.”  “Maybe he used today.” “Is he doing as well as he says he is?” “Where will he turn if he starts using in this new town?”

You are probably familiar with the train of thought. 

The good news is that I’m learning to stop the train before it speeds up enough to make it to the tunnel.  It sometimes turns from nervousness to mild fear, but it doesn’t make it all the way to full anxiety or terror.  It doesn’t keep me from sleeping anymore.  When I notice it beginning to chug-chug-chug, I turn to prayer.  I’m talking on-my-knees prayer.  Prayer and an encouraging Bible verse and my nightly gratitude list are enough to stop the train.

There is life after heroin.  God bless you all.

One of the greatest gifts of life is that we have a chance every day for a brand new start.  As long as we’re living, we have the opportunity to start again.  There’s no cap on how many times.  We aren’t born with five little “new start” tickets in our pockets (“Sorry, you used up your last new start when you were twelve”). 

Al began one more new start yesterday.  He did choose to stay out of Colorado and instead live at a halfway house in another state.  His dad drove him. 

Do we know what happens next?  No, we don’t.  But I’m grateful that he has this opportunity and that he’s grown strong enough and determined enough to give this new start a try.   God bless!

Everyone was very helpful in responding to my last comment.  Thanks!  Someone posed the ever-present question, “Don’t you think he can handle it himself?”  I always thought my answer was yes.  But I realize that, no, I wasn’t so sure he could handle anything himself.  Al’s always been a bit dependent on me.  And I am just now realizing how much I fed that dependence. 

When I called him to discuss his legal issues, I was all geared up to give him the bad news that I would not take care of this for him.  I never had the chance!  Because he took responsibility right away!  “I talked to my counselor about that this afternoon,” he said. “He’s going to help me contact the courts and set a new date so I don’t have to interrupt my rehab.” 

Every now and then I realize just how codependent I have been…and how much I enable and don’t even realize it!  We’re all learning.  And my most important lesson this week is: “Yes He Can!”

Sometimes the line between these two is very vague.  And sometimes it’s just me and my denial sitting down for afternoon tea.  I don’t know – so I’m asking your opinion.  Here’s the scenario:

Back in October, before Al’s first rehab stint, he shoplifted a $50 item from a store.  He got caught.  He went to court.  He was sentenced to one 8-hour class and told if he stays out of trouble for a year the charge would go away.  Also, the store sent him a fine for $250.  The class is in a week and the fine is coming due soon.  But, Al is in rehab in another state, and he cannot make long-distance calls for more than a few minutes.  (He can receive them, but not make them).

I want to (a) call the court and defer the class until after his rehab is over and (b) contact the store’s legal department and defer the paying of the fine until he can get out and talk to them himself and perhaps set up a payment plan.  I would make these initial calls for him.  I’m not trying to get him out of these things, but I want him to have a full rehab experience without having to leave rehab for three days to go back to colorado, take the class, and be driven back to Kansas.  Plus I don’t want him to be back in the old neighborhood any sooner than necessary.  That was part of the point of sending him so far away.

His dad says I’m enabling if I make these calls for him.  He says the addict has to handle all consequences himself … and if he gets in more trouble because he can’t make the appropriate calls from where he is, so be it.

We have about a week to decide our strategy.  So — opinions?  I’m polling the crowd!. (have a blessed day!)

If anyone is in the western or midwestern U.S. and needs a rehab for a loved one, one place you might try is one of the Valley Hope facilities.  With locations in Colorado, Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska, the Valley Hope Association offers residential rehab for alcoholics and addicts, including medically monitored detox, full-time and part-time care, aftercare, etc.  Here’s the link to their map of locations: http://www.valleyhope.org/locations/default.asp.

Many of us have talked about rehabs and hope – sometimes saying they offer hope, sometimes saying they offer false hope.  Today I’m thinking, maybe it’s our expectations – and/or the expectations of the addicts – that need adjusting.  Both of my boys have been to Valley Hope facilities, and our experience there has been a good one.  But we all need to understand something that every rehab we’ve experienced has taught us:  The 30-day stint is just the beginning.  It is “hope” in that it gives us a glimpse of the possible.  But they tell us that this really just sets the stage for the truly difficult long-term work of the addict to maintain sobriety.

I’m not sure of my main point here.  I guess I want to publicly express thanks to the Valley Hope Association for helping me and my family in many ways; to say that I have no idea what Al’s latest round of 30-day rehab will do for him or not do for him, but I’m hopeful.  I’m hopeful that these 30 days will be a good experience…will maybe plant 30 more days of good life in his heart and brain.  I know he might come out and go right back to the street.  And that he might come out and do okay.  This time, I am putting aside expectations and just doing what I think is right today.

I’m glad he’s there.  And I’m glad those caring people are there to be with him.  And I really need to go to sleep!  Goodnight all, have a good weekend.  I wish us all rest.

A dear friend of mine is driving Al to a rehab in Kansas tomorrow. I might be crazy to support another rehab attempt. But my gut says I need to try. God bless my friend for his willingness to make the 5-hour drive each way. Al is ready and excited.

Now I need sleep. God bless.