Category Archives: Addict Child

So Many Needs, So Little Time

Posted on March 21, 2010 | 3 comments

I’m thinking Garbo.  Just wanna be alone.  Not the first to say it, not the last.  I’m in the mood to be a drama queen.  “Hey folks, over here!  Look at me!”  How about a little help over in this direction?

I almost cracked on Friday night.  It was like this:  My ex-husband called me and asked me to come over to his house to talk about Dan.  Dan (my addict boy) has been living full-time with his dad.  So i said sure and went over.  On the way there, my middle boy, Al, called.  His car was stuck on a highway in the snow storm during rush hour.  He was 30 miles from the house.  Could I come and pick him up?  No.  Then a few minutes into the chat with the ex, Dan called.  He was with a friend driving to pick up the friend’s mom and their car slid on the ice and hit another car.  Could I come and pick them up?  No.  Then my boyfriend texted, “Get dressed honey, I’m on my way and let’s get some italian and a glass of wine!  Yay!”  Then there was my ex in front of me, “So I need some advice, I just don’t know what to do with him anymore…”  And in the midst of all of THAT, my daughter (15) texts and asks when I will be home because I promised to make her a grilled cheese sandwich and she’s hungry.  MAKE IT YOURSELF!!! 

I just want to be alone. 

Now it’s Sunday  morning and I’m feeling better.  But Friday night…I hit overload.  And you know what?  My daughter got herself something to eat.  Al got his car off the highway, and someone stopped and helped him get going again.  Dan told his friend he’d have to handle things on his own and walked home to talk with me and his dad.  My boyfriend didn’t wait for me and went home.  And my ex cooked a dinner so that I would have something to eat.  Sometimes saying no is the best thing.

I still haven’t had any time alone.  And I still want it.  I still sometimes want to throw a little fit so someone will stop and take care of me for a change.  But that’s okay.  This is a long, hard road sometimes, and I don’t have to be perfect.  How about you?

3 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Parent of addict, The Ongoing Story

Thank God!

Posted on February 9, 2010 | 7 comments

Oh yes, I mean this literally and figuratively.  Not meaning to take His name in vein or anything but My Son Dan Starts Training For His New Job Today and all I can say is “THANK GOD!!”   Seriously, I am truly grateful.  This is an important step for my son in his recovery.  It will (a) give him something to do with his days, (b) provide him with money so he can do other things he’s interested in and/or go back to school, (c) build his self-esteem as he succeeds in his tasks.  It’s a starter job, no doubt  —  that’s just fine.  He was afraid that he would not be hired since he is dealing with some legal issues.  But apparently he passed his drug test (YAY) and now he is employed!

And while I’m on the subject of thankfulness, if you’re ever feeling down, just do a google search for “Thankful” — either a site search or images.  There are many blogs and websites dedicated to gratitude and they are all quite cheery.

7 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Hope, Miscellaneous Chatter, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, The Ongoing Story

“Stuck in the Middle with You” or “Walking a Codependent Path”

Posted on February 4, 2010 | 11 comments

Decisions, decisions, decisions.  Do you ever get tired of decisionmaking?  Sheesh.  

This is a heavy topic for me right now because I’m stuck in a state of indecision … because I feel like this particular decision holds heavy weight for many people.  I expect the truth is that it holds heavy weight for me.  I don’t have a clear perspective.  I’m a recovering codependent — used to thinking that my decisions have the ability to keep things together…or break them apart not only for me, but for those close to me as well.

What’s this all about?  A move.  I want to move.  We’re not talking two towns over or even to a neighboring state.  I want to move almost 2000 miles from my current location back to where my mom and dad and sister and cousins and other friends live.  I want to be on the coast, at the ocean’s edge.  The place on this earth that my heart cries for.  I want to move there with my daughter, who wants to be near the women in the family and who yearns for a new beginning after a couple of very difficult years.  I want this.

I want to be near my mother as she ages but while she’s still vibrantly alive.  I don’t want to wait until the doctor calls and suggests I come take care of my mother on her deathbed.  I don’t want to wait for that.

And yet … my boys are 18 and 20 — not so independent yet.  Especially Dan, who is doing great in recovery so far.  Three weeks out of rehab and still clean.  A job pending.  Court appearances still to come.  Al, 18, his life on solid ground for the first time in a long time.  He could actually join in the move or not, but Dan has no choice because of court.  He cannot move, probably for a year or two.  He would have to stay back with this dad.  And when I talked with him he said, “Don’t move away!  I already have no friends…” (He can’t socialize with his old friends due to their partying and his addiction).  “I can’t imagine you not being close by!”

And on top of that my job — where I finally have a boss who is teaching me and encouraging me and helping me to grow in our business and become more of the leader I want to be.

Here I am.  Stuck.  Trying to think of a way to make everybody happy and to move forward without any negative consequence.  Or to stay put … again … so that I will not bear the responsibility of initiating potentially hurtful change.  But in that, sacrificing my own yearning.  And my mother’s.  And my daughter’s.

Ah yes — awake at 4AM and singing, “Clowns to the left of me.  Jokers to the right.  Here I am: Stuck in the middle with you.”

11 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, addiction daughter, Codependency, Miscellaneous Chatter, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, The Ongoing Story

The Tell Tale Test

Posted on January 22, 2010 | 1 comment

AKA, “UA’s are our friend.” 

But waiting for the results, that’s a challenge.  My son took his first UA (urine analysis) since being out of rehab.  I think it was two days ago.  He has given permission for his case worker to give results to his dad.  No word yet. 

 Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock…

1 Comment

Posted in Addict Child, Heroin, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, The Ongoing Story

The Passionate Life!

Posted on January 21, 2010 | 8 comments

My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose.
Bette Davis (1908 – 1989), The Lonely Life, 1962

Someone commented the other day that they were happy to know that my passion was helping women know their worth.  I was thinking that, as parents of addicts, it’s easy for that role to take us over and become the central way we define ourselves.  YUCK!  So I have a question for you all:

WHAT ARE YOUR PASSIONS?  Mine are (a) helping women know their worth and guiding them through times of life change and spiritual searching, (b) performing arts — both as audience and performer, (c) words and writing, (d) family and game nights!  (In no particular order)

An Assignment:  Please respond to this post and list some of your passions.  Tell us about what you love to do — and then plan a time when you will do one of those things over the next week.  How about that??  And please suggest this post to others.  Let’s see how many of us we can get to walk on the plus side!  THANKS — you are all terrific, loving, strong parents.  And don’t you forget it!

8 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Parent of addict, Women

NIMBY

Posted on January 19, 2010 | 7 comments

Or in this case “NIMFY” (Not in my front yard) or “NOMS” (Not on my street)! 

I got home from choir practice tonight to find Dan’s car parked out in front of my house with him and five of his “old” friends sitting in it.  I recognized those faces.  And the scene seriously triggered panic in my soul.  I texted him “I thought you weren’t going to hang out with those people anymore and WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE?”  Anyway, he went back to his dad’s and called me (at my request) to talk about it.

I said, “You might not remember much about the last six months but I remember everything.  I love you and I want you to be well.  If you are going to break your own rule and associate with those people, do not do it in front of my house please.”  He apologized.  Said he is fine.  My stomach is nauseous and I’m still awake at 11:45PM.  So easily disturbed, I am.

(I wish I was the ocean.)

7 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Heroin, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, The Ongoing Story

Moving Forward/Letting Go

Posted on January 19, 2010 | Leave a comment

Maybe this is it.  Dan came over last night.  He looked good.  i didn’t see any marks on his arms.  (I know  you can smoke heroin but I also know that his preferred method of use is the needle).   I gave him his Christmas gifts. 

It was an awkward visit.  We’re both trying not to have his addiction be the center of every conversation.  And yet, until he gets his life going, there’s not much else to say.   So we talked about his recovery: he is wondering what to do with himself since he cannot go back to his old circle of friends; he will start job searching; he is still journaling about his experience; he hopes to get an apartment in a few months — ready to move forward away from his parents at this point.

Positive:  I told him I was trying to get through to a program where they’d give him suboxone (a drug that settles the cravings).  He asked me to give him the number, and said he would make the calls.  That’s a big step in my mind — that he is ready to take the responsibility for his own recovery to that extent.  Heck.  He’ll be 20 in a couple of months.  Mama is learning to let go.

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Posted in Addict Child, Addiction, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, Recovery, The Ongoing Story

Poem: “You Came Home”

Posted on January 16, 2010 | 4 comments

[Note: I really don’t feel as hopeless as this poem portrays; but I have felt like this at certain moments along the way.]

You came home today.

You came home today,
put your arms around me,
said “I love you”

Dried my tears and I am terrified of you.

I don’t know what you’ll do this time.
Or when.
How often I will see the reaper sneering back at me
through your eyes
before the hatchet takes its final fall.

You don’t live here anymore.

I’ll take your kisses and your hugs
and your coming over for dinner when you’re tired of
your father’s cooking or political debates and
hours of advice from a man who cannot change your choices.

I miss my son.

You came home today and I think I recognize a man
where my little boy used to be.
I wonder if you still eat dirt

And yearn to build inventions out of broken down machines.

4 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, The Ongoing Story

Another New Start

Posted on January 16, 2010 | 5 comments

Dan came home from Rehab 2 yesterday.  Not home to my house though; home to his dad’s.  I was nervous.  The hardest part is not knowing what to expect.  I do see some differences this time though:

He’s not talking like it’s going to be easy.  The first time he came out of rehab, he talked idealistically about how he was changing his life.  He was full of rose-colored optimism.  Constantly reassuring me.  And he was lying the whole time.  Using the whole time.  Now, he’s talking about the struggle.  About how he hopes he can make it.  How he hopes he can grow strong enough to serve as an example to others.  But he knows it will be hard.  He told me, “I’m doing my best mom.  I hope I can do it.  I think I can.  But please know that I might mess up.”  Realism.  A good sign.

He will drive 30 miles to his after care counseling three times a week.  He is not arguing against this.  Last time he insisted that he didn’t need support.  This time, he says he realizes the only way he can make it is to have a support system in place.

So I’m hoping.  But there is that little knot in my stomach.  The good news — it’s not there all the time.  I don’t think about it all the time.  I am sleeping.  I am focusing on my other children, my job, my house and not obsessing on Dan and addiction all the time.  Another new start for Dan.  Another new start for the family. 

Praying for you all, and grateful for your support!

5 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, Heroin, Hope, Parent of addict, Recovering Child, Recovery, Relapse, The Ongoing Story

One Mom, One Long Deep Sigh

Posted on December 27, 2009 | 7 comments

So here we are…December 26, 2009…one day past Christmas.  The best I can do right now is one long deep sigh. 

Christmas Eve was a good day until I started getting ready for church.  Was it that my daughter refused to go to church on Christmas Eve, for the first time ever, saying she thought it would just make her angry?  Was it that Dan, my oldest, in past years would have been the one to encourage the other two to join me whether they liked it or not, just because it would make me smile?  Was it that Al, the 17 year old, left a movie early to join me, not only to make me smile but because he is beginning to understanding something about God and Faith?

For all of these reasons, and because I realized I didn’t have a Christmas outfit this year, I started crying as I got ready for church.  And as I drove to church.  And when me friend, Beverley, gave me a hug and said “how are you?” once I arrived at church. 

Understand, I don’t have a problem crying in church; I’ve done it many times.  But on Christmas Eve I was singing, on stage, in front of everyone.  Not a good time for mascara down the cheeks. 

Honestly?  It was because Dan is in rehab and my deepest gut says that he’s still not quite ready to fight his addiction…a reaction that seems to be playing out as true.  He has continually been texting his brother to bring suboxone to the rehab center for him.  That would be illegal and against the center’s rules.

Tonight, I’m tired of being the mother of an addict.  Tonight, just for this night, I don’t want to be that anymore.  If you’re in my shoes, you know what I mean.  Tomorrow I’ll get up and continue to pray for my son.  But tonight … one long deep sigh.

7 Comments

Posted in Addict Child, addiction daughter, Heroin, Parent of addict, Suboxone, The Ongoing Story